Sometimes enmeshment can mean that a child, as in the case of Alex, is forced to meet the needs of a parent, and this type of role reversal eventually makes the child feel inadequate, because children cannot properly fulfil the role of an adult. They are not permitted to be children, their emotional needs are not being met, and so they may harbour feelings of abandonment. They bring this to adulthood. It can also mean that the self -system of the child was never allowed to develop normally so that he becomes an emotional slave to meet the narcissistic needs of the parent. This emotional neglect sows the seeds of fear, low self-esteem, and particularly shame and anger, which one day will emerge as a poisonous bloom that sours relationships. This adult may then exhibit extreme selfishness, lack of empathy, a tendency to control, being negative, using others, aggression, and a whole host of other undesirable qualities and behaviours, including co-dependent behaviours.
People living in codependency (e.g. an alcoholic whose spouse colludes in allowing him/her to evade their responsibility) have weak boundaries. Codependency is born in childhood when a child is unable to build safe boundaries, and absorbs the negative feelings of its parents. In adulthood, the true self (the newborn infant) is lost. In this particular type of enmeshment the child, who struggled so valiantly and so vainly to fulfil a parent’s needs, now, as an adult, equally vainly tries to fulfil the needs of an addicted (or abusive) partner. Codependency is a painful, debilitating, and restricting condition, and is often part of an abusive relationship. Part of healing is for the victim to step back, create a boundary and become aware that he or she did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure the addiction of the other person.
A codependent relationship is an unhealthy one, so when the boundary is created the collusion ends and the codependent person can become real, and reach happiness and peace. Therefore, healthy boundaries are essential if we wish to foster a healthy relationship. When they are inappropriately breached, we feel a sense of outrage, hurt, and in the case of violence a sense of helplessness. Healthy boundaries enable us to develop relationships based on trust, stability and respect, and tell others how we expect to be treated. They create a sense of safety in a relationship, and are a comfort zone. They allow for and respect each person’s values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions. Healthy boundaries are elastic, expanding to keep some at a distance and contracting to allow others intimacy. The scope of boundaries, therefore, depends on the nature of a relationship. The boundaries of a married couple differ from those of a parent and child, and the boundaries of friends differ from the boundaries between work colleagues. What is appropriate in one case is inappropriate in another; for example, there are boundaries between a counsellor and a client. If the counsellor steps outside these boundaries, he or she may be abusing the client.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
