Many victims leave when they begin to see the pattern that underpins abuse, and the deliberate campaign to undermine and control becomes apparent. One of my clients compared it to a jigsaw. When the jigsaw is fragmented victims are lost in confusion, but as the pieces are assembled, they become clear that it is not healthy or wise to stay. Very often sufferers decide to leave during the third stage of the abusive cycle, when the release of violent anger by the abuser brings about calm, and the appearance of love and warmth. But, when the abuser learns of this decision, the fury aroused makes it necessary to create a safety plan. This will vary from person to person and country to country, although there are some basic ingredients of a ‘survival kit’
One of these is having sufficient finance to support you and your children, if any. I advise opening a separate bank account or hiding money until the time of leaving. The difficulties in this will be determined by the level of control the abuser has on the home’s finances. Linda successfully took this precaution –
“When things were bad, sometimes at night I started making plans. At the time, they felt like things to keep in my head just in case. I never thought I’d use them, because things would be getting better! I set up a credit union account that he didn’t know about, and for months I put little bits of money into it. Initially it was set up to save because he could go off some weekends, and wouldn’t give me any of his wages to do the shopping, and I would be short. It was a safe haven financially for me. But, really, it was the starting point of my planning to live without him. Up to then I had never kept anything from him, but I kept that account from him, as it was a means to survival for my son and me, and I had to think of us, when he would go away and leave us.”
It is vital for you to prearrange a safe place to recuperate, and eventually plan a new life. Creating a new life means having relevant documentation, and so it is essential to copy important documents, and give them to a friend for safekeeping.
Such documents should include birth certificates, marriage certificate, insurance policies, medical records, school records, drivers licence, car insurance, pharmacy records, and lists of important names, addresses and phone numbers, including solicitors, citizens advice centres, and welfare offices. A visit to the citizens’ advice centre could also be made prior to fleeing. They will give you advice and relevant addresses and phone numbers. Since it is likely that you have been isolated during the abusive tenure, try to build up as much support as possible prior to leaving. This includes not only professional support mentioned here, but also reconnecting with friends, family and relatives.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
