JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

in my last few posts I briefly looked at healthy shame, and proposed that it is an important feeling that helps us with our behaviour, and reminds us that we are human and have deficiencies.

Toxic shame, however, is an altogether different matter, and it is very widespread. Unfortunately we may be bound by toxic shame, and not be aware of it. It takes much skilful counselling to help a person cast off the shackles of toxic shame. When I was training to be a counsellor I spent many hours in therapy exploring my own toxic shame, and eventually overcame it.It is one of the most destructive psychological forces in a person’s life. It means being shamed to the core, and normally occurs at a very young age. Toxic shame destroys our love of self. It is very difficult for a person with toxic shame to love himself or herself, and the person who does not love himself cannot really love others. Love of self is basic to forming loving relationships. I will later look at the characteristics of people who have been toxically shamed, and it will become clear why it is difficult for them to form truly loving relationships. That is why I label toxic shame as one of the most destructive influences upon human development.

Hello everyone! I would like to continue with our exploration of healthy shame. Healthy shame is learned when we are children, from the very moment we open our eyes as tiny babies. If we are fortunate enough to be  born into a peaceful, nurturing and caring home, then there is every chance that we will develop appropriate feelings of healthy shame. Healthy shame tells us that we are human. When we blush at some indiscretion we are made aware of our limitations. Mark Twain once said that man is the only animal who blushes. Or need to!

 Healthy shame helps us set limits, or boundaries, on our behaviour. It is like a moral anchor. We develop it from trusting our parents, and their sense of healthy shame. John Bradshaw in his wonderful book Healing The Shame That Binds You rightly says that a child needs good modelling of healthy shame, and indeed of other emotions. I would strongly recommend this book for people who are carrying the intolerable burden of toxic shame. I would also recommend Gershen Kaufman’s book, Shame: The Power of Caring

Toxic shame is one of the greatest destroyers of human happiness for those who suffer from it, and for those who are at the receiving end from shame-based individuals. Those who are shame-ridden are often unaware of it, and even if aware, are at a loss on how to deal with it, to lessen its terrible burden. Each week I am going to explore toxic shame and how damaging it is to our happiness. I hope, as the weeks go by, you will join me in this exploration, and perhaps share your experiences of toxic shame, so that between us we might help others who have suffered from this blight. I suppose I can begin by saying that for many years I carried the heavy burden of toxic shame, but finally managed, with the help of my counsellor, to dissipate it.

But before I delve into toxic shame, I would like to have a look at normal or healthy shame, so that we can distinguish between the two. Our feelings are good. They are part of us. They speak clearly to us about how we are. Equally the feeling of healthy shame is good. It is, for example, a good indicator of conscience. It lets us know if we have done wrong, or acted dishonourably or ridiculously.