JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

Shock is the most palpable and immediate reaction to sudden death. It is nature’s way of numbing us so that we are not immediately overcome. It can sometime come before the denial stage of grieving. Bereavement writers have described it as a physical and emotional illness with specific symptoms. It is a temporary anaesthetic. I experienced it fully, but I cannot really describe it. Somehow it was like a physical blast, akin to having a shotgun discharged in my face, and it rendered me helpless for several days. I suppose I was close enough to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for a brief period.

 Dealing with all the aspects that makes grieving different for different people would demand many posts, so I will list other relevant ones. These include the diverse medical, psychological and mental history of the bereaved. Under this would come age, gender, and marital status of the bereaved. The type of personality is another factor, and some psychologists show that there are 16 types of personality. This in itself is a major study, because each personality type deals uniquely with problems.  The degree of social support available is another dimension affecting how we grieve.

Sudden death is one of the factors that profoundly affect the nature of our grief. This is especially true in the early stages. Some bereavement psychologists hold that grief work is not only difficult to start, but harder to complete in the case of sudden death.  Some possible reactions to sudden death includes a sense of unreality about the loss, increase of guilt feelings, a sense of helplessness, a sense of being agitated and uneasy, a sense of unfinished business, and a wish to make meaning of the death.

 There is no emotional preparation for a sudden death.  I have experienced this.  I had no preparation for any type of death. I had never been bereaved, and did not even own a grave. I was only 45 at the time, my parents were youngish, and I never expected to need one for years. For a long time I kept asking myself ‘how did this happen?’, and for many years the ringing of the phone filled me with dread because I feared it might be news that something awful had happened to one of my other children. I was pervaded by a general sense of unease, and my feeling of helplessness was accompanied by a feeling of sheer terror.  I felt powerless.

AIDS-related illnesses can leave a person mentally and physically impaired, and survivors of these losses often experience intense guilt and prolonged sad memories of the deceased. Sometimes AIDS sufferers develop behaviours similar to Alzheimer sufferers, and this can lead to an early grief response in friends and family. AIDS-related deaths often evoke rage, fear, shame, isolation, and lack of support. It can cause conflict in families, and encourages secrecy. In a sense, some survivors may be denied the social right to mourn and to seek consolation from others.

This is one of the factors, which indicate that we all grieve differently. I would like to explore this some more in my next posting. My purpose is to help mourners and sympathisers understand the complexity of grief.

We do not hear much about AIDS nowadays, except in relation to the huge amount of people suffering from it in Africa. But, it is a reality in all countries,  and people whose relations or partners have died from AIDS related diseases suffer particular grief responses. Since AIDS is transmitted through bodily fluids sexual partners may be anxious about their own health, and may confuse some of the physical sensations or illnesses associated with bereavement with those stemming from AIDS. This can greatly add to their anxiety.

 Survivors may also conceal the real reason for death because of the social stigma that seems to be associated with this disease. This deception can lead to anxiety, anger, and guilt. There is also the question of the lack of social support, and the exclusion of a gay lover from the family grieving process. Because AIDS is essentially associated with the gay community, AIDS-related deaths may heavily impact upon individual members of that community, who are often faced with multiple losses.

Bereavement writers, however, also caution us that, in some cases, love may constitute a level of dependency that is intolerant of separation. In such cases the survivor may experience intense anger at being left alone. On a contrary level, the death of a person may sometimes be a source of relief to a survivor. This, for example, has been called relationship relief following the death of an abusive partner. There is also a grief reaction called dual relief, i.e. relief for the survivor and for the deceased who had suffered a long, painful illness.

Another factor, which influences the nature of our grief, lies in how a person dies. These can be broken down into 4 broad categories  -  natural, accidental, suicidal, and homicidal. Within each of these there are many variables , and  I would  like to look at some subtypes. I will  confine myself to a brief exploration of survivors following the death of a person with AIDS.