Archive for June, 2010

Toxic Shame. Prevention is better than the cure.

Monday, June 28th, 2010

 

In a later post I hope to look at how toxic shame is healed, but first I would like to explore how children can be protected, and never have to carry its awful burden. Such prevention would ensure their peace of mind as adults and would stop the cross- generational transfer of toxic shame to their own children. It is true, as I have written earlier, that toxically shamed parents are unable to provide the proper nurture for their children, and will spray them with shame. Nevertheless, if shamed parents become aware of what toxic shame is, as previously outlined,  they can take steps to protect their children from contamination, and, possibly through therapy, begin to heal themselves as well.

So what do parents need to know and to allow in relation to their child’s development and behaviour? They need to know first of all that they are the fundamental influences on their child’s formation. The primary carer, usually the mother, is the most crucial. Parents need to teach their children by what psychologists call mirroring. Mirroring means that parents respect their child as a human with serious and basic needs, including the need to be admired and praised.

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WHEN A CHILD DIES

Monday, June 28th, 2010

Infant death evokes much sympathy for society, but a miscarriage and perhaps a stillbirth is less noticed, so that a mother may experience a sense of isolation that sharpens her grief. She may experience worries about future pregnancies, a sense of failure, anger at herself, and perhaps anger at her partner.  A miscarriage is a shattering of the expectation of birth itself, and the lack of a ritual, e.g.a funeral can add to the isolation.

Some mothers are not even hospitalised for a miscarriage, and this can diminish the loss and adds to the grief. It is important to remember that a mother bonds with their unborn child in the first stages of pregnancy. It is equally important to remember that both parents grieve at this loss. There are a great range of emotions arising from a miscarriage, with grief complications arising from the fusion of the experiences of birth and death. Parents may search for the dead child’s identity, and they are faced with the difficult task of mourning someone they did not know, but who is such an intimate part of them.

Finally, there is the question of an abortion. One of the important points to remember is that a failure to mourn an abortion loss may give rise to delayed grieving in the context of a later loss. Failure to grieve an abortion loss is very much an individual response, and may be influenced by such aspects as relationship with parents, culture, and religious upbringing. Some women simply put it out of their minds and get on with life, experiencing a surface feeling of relief.

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UNHEALTHY SHAME

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Lynn Namka outlines other characteristics based on fear within the shamed person. People who are toxically shamed try to hide. They are crucified by fear of self-exposure in such areas as sexual feelings and actions, aggressive behaviour that is against public standards, issues around bathroom functions, body odours and cleanliness. They are also filled with fear of failing at a task when being observed by others, and dislike doing or saying something that may cause hurt to others. They are very conscious of class and social status. I remember being asked by an acquaintance about my father’s job, and being ashamed to tell him. My father was an excellent collierey storeman, but in my state of toxic shame I felt ashamed of him. This might give an indication of the burden of toxic shame.

 Marc Miller gives a helpful list of characteristics of shame based people. They are really feelings as well. They include alienation, inadequacy, helplessness, powerlessness, defenselessness, weakness, insecurity, uncertainty, shyness, ineffectual, inferiority, feeling flawed, exposed, unworthy, hurt, intimidated, defeated rejected, dumped, rebuffed, stupid, bizarre, odd, peculiar and different.

 

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DEATH OF A CHILD

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Parental relationships may be affected in various ways. A child’s death will be disruptive to a relationship, but not necessarily destructive. The death may sharpen previous differences between parents, if any existed. The emotional emptiness and loss of energy can lead to a decrease in sexual intimacy. The same decrease may not be similar in the case of both parents, and this can lead to harmony. Sometimes the grief of parents is so great that it affects their ability to parent their other children. If parents find any type of distress difficult they may not have the resources to look after their other children and cope with their own needs.

Sometimes parents give the name of the dead child to a new baby, and this can hinder the new child from forging their own identity. Replacement expectation simply adds to the pain of the bereavement. Every child is unique and irreplaceable.

A further reason for different grief responses is the type of child death; for example a child may be an adult, and I have seen aged parents mourning the sudden death of their 50-year-old son. Such parents may feel that they have lost a friend as well as a child.

 At the other end of the scale there are cot deaths, miscarriages, stillbirths, and abortions. With regard to infant/cot death the unique grieving experience is complicated by the suddenness of an apparently healthy infant dying, and by the possible guilt and blame arising from the fact that the cause of such deaths may be unknown. This can lead to prolonged search for the reason of the death. Parents may be conscious of suspicion within the family or among neighbours of neglect on their part.

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CHARACTERISTICS OF SHAME-BASED PEOPLE

Monday, June 14th, 2010
  • Addictions and compulsive behaviours. This is too detailed to deal with here, and I recommend that anyone interested in it consult Bradshaw. An addiction kills our emotions, and dulls the pain of core shame. It is important to remember that there are many types of addictions and they all operate in the same way. Some of the addictions concern drugs, alcohol, work, sex, eating (obesity, anorexia, and bulimia), rage which unifies the self, makes one feel powerful, and this urge to feel constantly powerful is obviously an addiction), shame itself (the shamed person must always be on guard to conceal his shame, and thus it is so constant that it becomes an addiction), over-reliance on thinking, especially abstract thinking (this can be an addiction if it is used to prevent feelings).

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DEATH OF A CHILD

Monday, June 14th, 2010

My surviving children, despite their pain, always held that parental grief was the most poignant within our family, and even now they are extra conscious of the preciousness of their own children. So, the death of a child can arouse anxiety in the siblings, when they, too, have children of their own. Look at the special relationship between parent and child, a relationship that is forged in a biological and genetic way. Our role as parents is to keep our children safe, and accidental death can give rise to complex guilt feelings.

The death of child can cause relationship tensions in a family, because family members may be grieving at different rates. Misunderstandings can arise because of this. An awareness of the differences that cause such tensions increases understanding, and eases stresses. Gender differences in grief responses are likely to surface, with the mother more openly expressing her feelings, and the father being more emotionally repressed. It seems that women are more vulnerable to the death of a child than men, and complicated grief is more common among women. I cannot say if this is our experience.

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Monday, June 7th, 2010

In my last contribution I have looked at some of the characteristics of shame-based people. Again, these may not always stem from shame. They are, however, a good guide for those who may be unaware that the discomfort they feel comes from being shamed to the core. Below are other characteristics worth noting.

  • Patronising. This means offering help to a person who has not asked for it. It makes the shamed person feel superior, and subtly shames the other person. Psychologists would see it as passive aggression.
  • Caretaking and helping. This one may seem surprising to you! Many families have caretakers among their children. They may not always be driven by shame. However, looking after others can mask shame and make it bearable by making the shamed person feel good. It can also breed co-dependency, for example, a wife who looks after an alcoholic husband lives in a co-dependent relationship. She fulfils her needs from the difficulties of her husband, and she colludes with him in keeping him an alcoholic. She colludes, therefore, in keeping him in a shame bound state, since addiction can be a symptom of being shame-based. By over-caring for their children, the shame-based parent disenables them and shames them.
  • Being nice and trying to always please people. This may seem difficult to understand, but it has a certain logic in the context of toxic shame. Always being nice is a sign that the person is not real. People cannot always be nice and cannot always please others. It is a defence against toxic shame. It kills sincerity and honesty, and so it prevents proper relationships. One feels guilty about being angry at a really nice guy!

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death of a child

Monday, June 7th, 2010

The death of a child is what bereavement writers call an enfranchised loss. This means that the survivors experience widespread sympathy following the death of a child. I remember the huge crowds that thronged into the cathedral in Thurles in February 1990, and the great amount of support I received from so many.People who lose children have particular ways of expressing their thinking. They may talk about how the child was special, they try to make sense of the death, they have vivid memories of the death even after the passage of years, and they use great pathos in describing the moment of death. They may also explore the ‘what ifs’, of the transition to being the parents of a dead child. They may describe premonitions they may have had before the death, and the chasm that exists between them and the rest of the world. These are very familiar to me.  I was in Dublin on the day before my child was killed, and I suffered from such a severe headache all of that day that I was unable to visit the shops, and simply sat in a café until it was time for the bus to depart. I also have vivid memories of the death. I remember exactly where I was when the accident occurred. That day is etched on my brain, and will never fade. I always worried that I would forget the sound of my child’s voice, and I often mentally listen for it.  I can still hear that soft voice, and it, too, will never fade.

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