JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

As the funeral ritual ended, and we returned to  our house, downhearted and sorrowful, the long road of coping with our loss and reaching some kind  of acceptance began. This first year is an immensely important period in rehabilitation, and in my ignorance of bereavement and grieving, I made many fundamental mistakes, which caused hurt to my children and hindered rather than promoted their healing. Experiencing the death of my child has made me an ‘expert’ on the feelings that are associated with grief, but how I coped was harsh and lacking in self-care, both for myself and for some members of my family.
It was in keeping with my personality of the time.

Extract rom When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas.

Breda wrote – We went back to the Munster Hotel so that our relations &
friends could get something to eat. They were everywhere, people putting their arms around me, telling me it was going to be alright, & I hated them for it. How could
it be alright? Nothing would ever be right again. I was feeling very angry & very violent. My dad sat for a while with his arms around Fran & me, but I couldn’t sit
still. I had to find my Uncle Tom. I did find him at the bar & I snuggled into him for some comfort. I knew my dearest uncle was trying to be strong for me. He always
is but he was breaking down at times. Despite & because of my loss my love for him at that time felt overpoweringly strong. In the months previous to that we had grown close to each other & I loved him dearly. That day he gave me everything he had & for that I will never forget him.

Extract from When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas.

The funeral ritual in Ireland has evolved over many centuries.
It is normally brought to an end by the family and the
community gathering together after the burial for a meal. For
some people there may be something healing about gathering in the local village hall, and feeling the warmth of the local community. It is not always possible to do this in large towns like Thurles, and so we made our way to one of the
local hotels. I don’t have a clear memory of this, but Breda recorded it in her diary shortly afterwards, and, unlike myself, who felt some comfort from being with the extended family, she shows mixed feelings about her experience:

Extract from When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas.

Frances remembers little about the funeral except, Cathal’s
little friend, Patrick, being the last person at the graveside,
looking so sad and so lost. she says  ”I loved him for that and
I wish I could tell him that now. He obviously loved my
brother, who was probably his partner in crime. As
they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around
my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of
death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease thatpain,
as the dark earth claimed their young brother. We stared
at the grave for a while, but were distracted as more people
came to sympathise with us. And finally all those who had
come to be with us, and share our pain, left the graveyard, and
we stood alone, our small family and our close relatives.”

Note: Sadly Patrick died some years later when a young adult.

Extract from When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas.