JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

Since toxic shame splits us, and we love the good side and despise the shadow side, it is essential to arrive at the situation where we love our whole selves, and feel this love as well as think it. Nevertheless we should use positive self-talk to affirm our love in ourselves. As we heal through working through the experiences that planted the shame in us, we come to love all of ourselves, and we get rid of the guilt associated with it.The best way to love all of ourselves is to have someone to love us unconditionally. In this way we accept all of ourselves, and such self-acceptance counteracts shame. This means being intimate, and in personal relationships. Without such non-shaming relationships we cannot heal.

You will recall that the shamed person is either more than human or less than human. It is, therefore, vital to have the courage to be imperfect, to accept our blemished humanity. The shamed person should, also, be aware of different situations that cause or trigger shame, and to practise assertive techniques to combat those people who seek to spray us with their core shame.

In a sense, this sums up much of the work that needs to be done to confront toxic shame. It gives no idea of how painful it is, however. Let us now look at what the literature says about healing toxic shame.

Bradshaw is probably the best source on this. He tells us that the first step is to confront our toxic shame, because it thrives on secrecy. Confronting it also means sharing our feelings with others, and finding someone who will love us unconditionally, even if, at the beginning, we do not believe that this is possible. Counselling offers an excellent and safe location to further externalise the shame by exploring it, using art work and writing about it. This involves recalling as many shaming events as possible, naming them, and allowing our feelings about them to emerge.

It is comforting to know that toxic shame can be healed to a large extent; but one must always be watchful and aware. It generally requires a fairly long series of counselling sessions to adequately deal with it.I spent many hours exploring my childhood, relationships with my parents, the influence of the Catholic Church on me, my life in school, my behaviours as a parent and as a spouse, my behaviours as a friend, a colleague, a teacher, my time in a seminary, and so on. This was my story, and it obviously it took a long time to explore it, but it was worth it.Counselling always requires honesty, honesty is the very opposite of shame. To confront and defeat shame also requires tenacity, and it requires the ability to bear pain. As I said before, healing comes by revealing the shadow side of our character to a stranger (usually, counsellor/therapist), so that we eventually come to love all of ourselves, and not just the good side.

Mark Brandenburg offers good advice on how to protect our children from our shame. He advises us to know our history of shame, and how it may be triggered by our children. Being on guard for these triggers helps us to avoid responding to them. Be aware of your child’s reaction to shame, and reconnect as quickly as possible with him or her, because your children want a loving relationship with you. Be patient in this, because your child may feel hurt and be unwilling to immediately engage with you.   Explain what shaming is to them and this will help them process what has happened to them. If you find yourself shaming your child, don’t beat yourself up. See yourself as human and imperfect, and as a person who is entitled to kindness from yourself.