JIM O'SHEA
Counselling Service

1. Redefine your problem, leaving out shame as an issue. The following questions may help in redefining: how insurmountable is this problem from your childhood? Is this problem interpersonal or intrapersonal? Can you help in setting aside the shame to resolve the problem? Is this your problem or another’s? Are you taking on the responsibility of another?
2. If the problem belongs to someone else, give it back to them, by handing it over to your higher power.
3. If the problem is yours from the past, you must confront the shame which stops you from handling the problem on your own.  Look at the following: fears that block you right now from taking the steps that are stopping you from resolving the issue. Look at the irrational beliefs behind these fears. Refute these beliefs. Start a programme to affirm yourself, using such thoughts as ‘I deserve to solve this problem from my past’. I deserve to be good to myself’. I deserve to have others be good to me, also. Look at your innocent inner child and tell it that it deserved to be loved and cared for, that it deserved to be treated better than it was, that you deserved better parents who could have give you healthy parenting. Tell it that there is hope for the future and that you trust it to know what is best.
4. Practice the above for 30 days, and if the shame and guilt are not gone, then return to step 1 and begin again.
5. Look again at each problem in your past life and use steps 2 to 6 until you have explored all the shame you have suffered over your past life. If you are still unhealed return to step 1 and begin again.

 This programme is very much based on a cognitive approach (change your thoughts and you will change your feelings). I can see that there are elements that would be useful for me if I was confronting shame, but I still prefer the humanistic approach of using one’s feelings. At the same time it is best to use every possible tool to defeat this most painful of conditions, and Bradshaw has a section on using positive self-thoughts and on using the inner voice.

There is much more that I could write on toxic shame, but I will leave it as it is, and hope that it might stimulate readers to get other and better sources than what I am offering.

                                                                      In the last post I looked at the 12 step programme as applied to toxic shame by John Bradshaw. Now I will share with you the 7 step programme outlined by James J. Messina and Constance M. Messina.

1. This stipulates that the best way to overcome shame is to attack it at its root causes. These authors argue that shame comes from a set of fears, beliefs and behaviours. The root causes of shame are set out as follows – irrational beliefs, lack of trust in self or others, insecurity, vulnerability, denial of past hurts, despair over past hurts, inability to let go of the past, fear of refection, victimisation, depression, feeling intimidated by others, addictive need to fix and take care of others, over-dependence on others, manipulation by others, feelings of loss of personal control. It is necessary to tackle each one of these separately.  You can see how this is done by checking the website at www.coping.org/innerhealing/shame.htm.

2. Using a journal you can explore how shame blocked the memories of your past life by looking at a current problem stemming from your childhood, and answering the following questions in the journal: 1. Who is responsible for the problem?  2. Whose problem is it?  3. What did you do to make this problem worse for yourself? 4. How much shame do you feel about this problem? 5. How much does the shame you feel exacerbate the problem? 6. If you felt no more shame what would your problem look like?

As I examine these it strikes me that step 5 was the most powerful one in my combat with my shame. I got my wife and my children to write about how I had wronged and shamed them. What they wrote was each sealed in a separate envelope. I gave the envelopes to my therapist, and each week he opened one, and I read aloud what had been written. My family are very honest and very challenging, and they did not flinch from the task.  I did not know beforehand what had been written, and I can say that, apart from the death of my child, it was the most painful experience of my life. But it certainly cured my shame, and it was most healing for them.   I’m not sure that I’d recommend this to every person who is battling with shame, because it is traumatic. It certainly should not be attempted except in a safe place, such as the room of a therapist.

1. To makes a ‘searching and fearless’ moral inventory of ourselves. This involves writing the inventory, and thus we come out of hiding, and show ourselves and our humanness. It is about looking at our behaviours and our wrong doings so that we can explore remedying them.
2.  To admit to God, to ourselves and to another human the exact nature of our wrongdoing.   This is coming out of hiding, and talking about our shame (wrongdoing). By letting another person see how bad we have been prevents any pretence or cover up.
3. To be fully ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We are now acknowledging our weakness and humanity, and rejecting grandiosity.
4. To humbly ask God to remove these defects. We now know that we can be helped, and so we can grow and change. It is also an acknowledgement of our weakness.
5. To make a list of all the persons we had harmed, and to be willing to make amends to them.
6. To make direct amends to these people if possible.
7. To continue to take personal inventory, and when wrong to immediately admit it. This keeps us in touch with our healthy shame, and helps us to be conscious of the fact that we are human and will make mistakes.
8. To seek through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God, (as we understand God).
9.  Having had a spiritual awakening following these steps, to try to make this message available to other and to practice the above principles in our behaviours. It is a case of practising what we preach.

There are some effective and practical ways to overcome toxic shame. Some psychologists have devised programmes to help the sufferer.  Today I will summarise some of Bradshaw’s 12 step programme as applied to shame (bearing in mind that shame is the source of much addiction). The programme is simple to understand but hard to carry out, as the shame-based person cunningly tries to evade the shame of showing himself, and exist in denial. Bradshaw is adamant that this was the most powerful means that he used to combat toxic shame. I feel you should read the original if possible. The steps are as follows:

1. To admit being powerless over our internalised toxic shame, and that our lives are unmanageable as a result. This recognises that toxic shame has a life of its own, and has great power over us, functioning in the same way as an addiction.
2. To reach out to something greater that ourselves. We are reminded here of how ashamed Adam was as his new knowledge ruptured his relationship with God, with himself, with others and with nature.
3. Having reached out to a greater power than ourselves, we have to define what that higher power is. For many it is God, and this counteracts the shameless person playing God (power, control, perfectionism, etc.). It also gives us permission to be human.

Since toxic shame splits us, and we love the good side and despise the shadow side, it is essential to arrive at the situation where we love our whole selves, and feel this love as well as think it. Nevertheless we should use positive self-talk to affirm our love in ourselves. As we heal through working through the experiences that planted the shame in us, we come to love all of ourselves, and we get rid of the guilt associated with it.The best way to love all of ourselves is to have someone to love us unconditionally. In this way we accept all of ourselves, and such self-acceptance counteracts shame. This means being intimate, and in personal relationships. Without such non-shaming relationships we cannot heal.

You will recall that the shamed person is either more than human or less than human. It is, therefore, vital to have the courage to be imperfect, to accept our blemished humanity. The shamed person should, also, be aware of different situations that cause or trigger shame, and to practise assertive techniques to combat those people who seek to spray us with their core shame.

In a sense, this sums up much of the work that needs to be done to confront toxic shame. It gives no idea of how painful it is, however. Let us now look at what the literature says about healing toxic shame.

Bradshaw is probably the best source on this. He tells us that the first step is to confront our toxic shame, because it thrives on secrecy. Confronting it also means sharing our feelings with others, and finding someone who will love us unconditionally, even if, at the beginning, we do not believe that this is possible. Counselling offers an excellent and safe location to further externalise the shame by exploring it, using art work and writing about it. This involves recalling as many shaming events as possible, naming them, and allowing our feelings about them to emerge.

It is comforting to know that toxic shame can be healed to a large extent; but one must always be watchful and aware. It generally requires a fairly long series of counselling sessions to adequately deal with it.I spent many hours exploring my childhood, relationships with my parents, the influence of the Catholic Church on me, my life in school, my behaviours as a parent and as a spouse, my behaviours as a friend, a colleague, a teacher, my time in a seminary, and so on. This was my story, and it obviously it took a long time to explore it, but it was worth it.Counselling always requires honesty, honesty is the very opposite of shame. To confront and defeat shame also requires tenacity, and it requires the ability to bear pain. As I said before, healing comes by revealing the shadow side of our character to a stranger (usually, counsellor/therapist), so that we eventually come to love all of ourselves, and not just the good side.

Mark Brandenburg offers good advice on how to protect our children from our shame. He advises us to know our history of shame, and how it may be triggered by our children. Being on guard for these triggers helps us to avoid responding to them. Be aware of your child’s reaction to shame, and reconnect as quickly as possible with him or her, because your children want a loving relationship with you. Be patient in this, because your child may feel hurt and be unwilling to immediately engage with you.   Explain what shaming is to them and this will help them process what has happened to them. If you find yourself shaming your child, don’t beat yourself up. See yourself as human and imperfect, and as a person who is entitled to kindness from yourself.