The fourth task is to emotionally relocate the deceased, and move on with life. This can be most difficult. It is the same as acceptance in the so-called wheel of grief. If the survivor is unable to complete this task, it means being emotionally stuck, and holding on to a past attachment to the extent of being unable to form other attachments.
Doing this task means being able to preserve a realistic memory of the dead in a way that enables the survivor to live in a healthy and fulfilling manner. There was a time when survivors were advised to sever the bond and move on. But this interpretation has rightly been questioned in recent years. It is now accepted that that the healthy resolution of grief involves a continuing bond with the deceased. When the theory of severing the bond was held by psychologists, the counselling offered was nothing short of brutal and abusive.
Some bereavement psychologists explore different ways of keeping in touch with the dead, and at the same time moving on. These include sensing the presence of the dead, having a spiritual relation with them, talking to them, and using symbolic places and things associated with them. Although I did not know him, I pray to my paternal grandfather every day, and sense that he is somehow looking after me. It is a very comforting thought. I also feel strongly emotionally attached to my child. Serenity has returned to my life, but there are times such as anniversaries, and at Christmas, when I experience deep grief pain. And so it will continue to be. And that is o.k. It is part of normal grief.
Tags: bereavement, grief