Apart from accepting the reality of the loss, and working through the pain of grief we have to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing, and to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life. Using the word ‘task’, as I have written in the last article, seems a bit harsh, but it does empower the bereaved person. It shows that he or she can do something to promote healing.
Adjusting to life without the deceased means different things to different people. For example, the quality of adjustment made by widows depends upon many factors, such as the quality of her relationship with the deceased husband, the quality of their sexual relationship, if there are children to be raised, and her previous role in the management of domestic finances. Bereaved parents have to cope with their own pain, but also possibly with that of their other children. I was very worried about how my children were coping, and I found their pain hard to bear. I felt powerless to help them.
Other adjustments involve a new definition of oneself, even the development of self-esteem. The central question is ‘who am I now?’. There is also the question of spiritual adjustment, of finding meaning in the loss, regaining control, and seeing the world as a benevolent place. All easier said than done.