There is something unnatural about seeing a child lying in a
coffin. I cannot imagine the trauma suffered by Mary at
seeing Cathal that evening, and I did not distress her by
asking as I write this book. She still finds it very painful to
talk about the events of those days. All I remember is wishing
that he was buried and that it all might go away. I envy people
who have their deceased children laid out in their own
homes. They seem to get relief from the pain. It is like
holding on to their children for as long as possible. But, I
could not bear to do this, and Mary recently told me that she
felt the same.
For Bill, seeing Cathal in the coffin was ‘hell’. He screamed
and ran away, but I made him return and see the corpse of his
brother, knowing, in my less confused state of mind, that it
would be a cause of regret to him if he did not do so. I sensed
then what I know now: that it is important to experience as
much of the pain as possible immediately after a death, and
that it is particularly important to see the body of the
deceased. It brings home the reality of the loss and is essential
for proper healing. Failure to do this, or, as sometimes
happens, being numbed by tablets, can prolong the grieving
process and lead to complicated grieving. Bill confirms how
seeing Cathal’s body brought the reality of the death into
focus. ‘I was devastated,’ he wrote. ‘I think this was the first time
it hit me … the worst moment of my life to date.’ Deirdre also
confirms how the distressing reality then began to take hold:
Extract from When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas.
Tags: bereavement, death of a child, grief