Finally, parents should learn to give their child unconditional love, in so far as this is humanly possible. The more conditions we attach, the more we shame our children. The more we use conditional phrases, (such as ‘good boys/girls never answer back their mother/father’, ‘children should be seen and not heard’, ‘you should be ashamed of yourself for doing that’, ‘you are a stupid boy/girl, etc), the more likely we are to shame our children. Parents must allow their child to develop at his own pace, and not expect to be pleased all the time. A child will instinctively know if a needy parent craves being pleased, and ultimately this will fill him with shame and rage. Shamed parents are needy parents, because their needs were not fulfilled when they were children.
toxic or unhealthy shame
July 19th, 2010when a child dies (continued). published by Veritas (2008)
July 19th, 2010The sudden death of a child creates chaos in a family, and
the family must struggle through this chaos before beginning
their grieving process. We experienced this chaos on Sunday
18 February 1990 when our youngest child, Cathal, was
killed on the road outside our house. He was only thirteen,
still innocent, full of fun, a kind and caring child. For some
time I have considered writing an account of how we dealt
with the chaotic situation we found ourselves in, and how we
coped with the overwhelming sense of loss, especially in the
early days. It is only now, after a long period of training to be
a counseller, that I can contemplate such an undertaking.
When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family. Published by Veritas (2008)
July 12th, 2010As previously promised I will now serialise my book on the death of our child, Cathal, who died 0n 18th February 1990.
Introduction
In talking about the death of a child, I wish to be as
inclusive as possible. Pre-natal and post-natal children,
miscarried children, children who die in the womb, stillbirths, children who die soon after birth, pre-teen and
teenagers, and adult children of all ages are relevant to the
context of this book. To lose a child is one of the most
devastating ordeals a family can suffer. Our children have said
that they cannot imagine how painful it is for Mary and
me, as parents, to have lost our child. Breda, one of our
daughters, cannot find words to express how sad she is for us
that we were to ‘fall in love, carry a baby for nine months,
give birth, and then lose that person you created together. To
have him snatched away years before his time’. That may be
so, and there is no point in trying to compare the severity of
grief, but having read the anguish that my surviving children
suffered, I can only conclude that the pain of siblings is far
more severe than what we may imagine.
Toxic Shame. Prevention is better than the cure (part 2)
July 12th, 2010
Children can be quite aggressive. This aggression is an inbuilt human condition, which may be called upon in later life, for example, to defend oneself. It is important for the parent not to feel threatened by their child’s aggressive impulses. This does not mean that they are encouraging aggression, but are neutralising it by allowing it in their role as parents. In the same way the child should be allowed to experience and express ordinary feelings such as jealousy, rage, sexuality, defiance and so on. If the parents have been allowed these feelings when they were children, then they will accept them from their own children. This will allow their children to internalise them. If they are forbidden they foster toxic shame. It is normal to be jealous if appropriate[1], it is normal to feel rage if the occasion demands it[2], sexual feelings, too, are normal.[3]
Another way of looking at it is that the child must learn the good and the shadow side of being human. Otherwise, to prevent core shame the child will split off the good, and conceal the bad or shadow. This will prevent the child from having a holistic view of himself. He will be shamed by the shadow or the bad side. He will only love the good side, and so will not really love himself. We must love our whole self, the good and the shadow. Otherwise we are not truly human, and, as I said previously, core shame dehumanises.
unhealthy shame
July 5th, 2010One of the key aspects in preventing toxic shame and rage is allowing your child to detach. As I have already mentioned, much has been written on attachment to the primary carer. Failure to detach and move to autonomy breeds core shame. It is important for the parent to allow such detachment and not to feel threatened by it. The child should instinctively feel this detachment, and should be able to depend on his parents as separate entities, and not as part of himself. This means that the parents have good boundaries, and so the child is able to build his own boundaries for adult life.
grief – death of a child
July 5th, 2010To conclude this set of posts, I would like to say that there are many ways of helping yourself to grieve. Writing a letter to the deceased is a good one, keeping a journal to record your thoughts and feelings is another, painting or drawing is also an excellent way of expressing emotions. You don’t have to be an artist, by the way. Colour is the main ingredient. Your instinct will tell you what colour to use. Poetry is also a very good way to vent grief. I would like to conclude with one of my own grief poems
Cathal
The Lights of Christmas make me sad,
For they remind me of my dead child
Who was a light in my life
And who passed from me
Like a candle
Quenched by the cruel fingers of fate.
Oh, how I hate to think of it.
That child reminded me
Of me
When I was young and carefree,
Wild, quiet,
Full of mischief and of glee,
Blushing with the bashfulness of innocence.
He was to me
Myself.
Six Christmases have come and gone
With each the easing of my pain,
But all the same, the memories remain,
And live within me,
And I see him every day.
I always fear that somehow
In the distance of time
Since he was placed in the cold earth,
Alone,
Waiting for me to come
And join him in eternal sleep,
That I will forget the sound of his voice.
And every day I listen carefully
To ensure that it remains with me.
For the voice is the sign of the spirit,
It is the essence of the inner soul.
And his voice was soft as silk,
Like the music of the rain in spring
It falls upon my hardened heart.
And no! I will not forget
As long as breath remains within me
That lovely sound,
Which echoed in our lives
For thirteen short summers
Before it died.
I composed this poem as I drove into the town of Thurles on Friday 20th of December 1996, almost 7 years after Cathal’s death. I had celebrated the end of term with my staff, and was in a happy mood. Then without warning the bright Christmas lights of Thurles reminded me of the darkness that had descended upon our household in February 1990, following a joyful Christmas, when Cathal had presented us with a lovely fruit bowl. It must have taken him a long time to save that much money from his frugal pocket money. I feel my tears anew as I contemplate his generosity. And I still remember the soft sound of his voice.
having finished my posts on grief, my future posts on grief will be a serialising of my book ‘When a Child Dies’, which I hope will help those unfortunate people who have lost a child
Toxic Shame. Prevention is better than the cure.
June 28th, 2010
In a later post I hope to look at how toxic shame is healed, but first I would like to explore how children can be protected, and never have to carry its awful burden. Such prevention would ensure their peace of mind as adults and would stop the cross- generational transfer of toxic shame to their own children. It is true, as I have written earlier, that toxically shamed parents are unable to provide the proper nurture for their children, and will spray them with shame. Nevertheless, if shamed parents become aware of what toxic shame is, as previously outlined, they can take steps to protect their children from contamination, and, possibly through therapy, begin to heal themselves as well.
So what do parents need to know and to allow in relation to their child’s development and behaviour? They need to know first of all that they are the fundamental influences on their child’s formation. The primary carer, usually the mother, is the most crucial. Parents need to teach their children by what psychologists call mirroring. Mirroring means that parents respect their child as a human with serious and basic needs, including the need to be admired and praised.
WHEN A CHILD DIES
June 28th, 2010Infant death evokes much sympathy for society, but a miscarriage and perhaps a stillbirth is less noticed, so that a mother may experience a sense of isolation that sharpens her grief. She may experience worries about future pregnancies, a sense of failure, anger at herself, and perhaps anger at her partner. A miscarriage is a shattering of the expectation of birth itself, and the lack of a ritual, e.g.a funeral can add to the isolation.
Some mothers are not even hospitalised for a miscarriage, and this can diminish the loss and adds to the grief. It is important to remember that a mother bonds with their unborn child in the first stages of pregnancy. It is equally important to remember that both parents grieve at this loss. There are a great range of emotions arising from a miscarriage, with grief complications arising from the fusion of the experiences of birth and death. Parents may search for the dead child’s identity, and they are faced with the difficult task of mourning someone they did not know, but who is such an intimate part of them.
Finally, there is the question of an abortion. One of the important points to remember is that a failure to mourn an abortion loss may give rise to delayed grieving in the context of a later loss. Failure to grieve an abortion loss is very much an individual response, and may be influenced by such aspects as relationship with parents, culture, and religious upbringing. Some women simply put it out of their minds and get on with life, experiencing a surface feeling of relief.
UNHEALTHY SHAME
June 21st, 2010Lynn Namka outlines other characteristics based on fear within the shamed person. People who are toxically shamed try to hide. They are crucified by fear of self-exposure in such areas as sexual feelings and actions, aggressive behaviour that is against public standards, issues around bathroom functions, body odours and cleanliness. They are also filled with fear of failing at a task when being observed by others, and dislike doing or saying something that may cause hurt to others. They are very conscious of class and social status. I remember being asked by an acquaintance about my father’s job, and being ashamed to tell him. My father was an excellent collierey storeman, but in my state of toxic shame I felt ashamed of him. This might give an indication of the burden of toxic shame.
Marc Miller gives a helpful list of characteristics of shame based people. They are really feelings as well. They include alienation, inadequacy, helplessness, powerlessness, defenselessness, weakness, insecurity, uncertainty, shyness, ineffectual, inferiority, feeling flawed, exposed, unworthy, hurt, intimidated, defeated rejected, dumped, rebuffed, stupid, bizarre, odd, peculiar and different.
DEATH OF A CHILD
June 21st, 2010Parental relationships may be affected in various ways. A child’s death will be disruptive to a relationship, but not necessarily destructive. The death may sharpen previous differences between parents, if any existed. The emotional emptiness and loss of energy can lead to a decrease in sexual intimacy. The same decrease may not be similar in the case of both parents, and this can lead to harmony. Sometimes the grief of parents is so great that it affects their ability to parent their other children. If parents find any type of distress difficult they may not have the resources to look after their other children and cope with their own needs.
Sometimes parents give the name of the dead child to a new baby, and this can hinder the new child from forging their own identity. Replacement expectation simply adds to the pain of the bereavement. Every child is unique and irreplaceable.
A further reason for different grief responses is the type of child death; for example a child may be an adult, and I have seen aged parents mourning the sudden death of their 50-year-old son. Such parents may feel that they have lost a friend as well as a child.
At the other end of the scale there are cot deaths, miscarriages, stillbirths, and abortions. With regard to infant/cot death the unique grieving experience is complicated by the suddenness of an apparently healthy infant dying, and by the possible guilt and blame arising from the fact that the cause of such deaths may be unknown. This can lead to prolonged search for the reason of the death. Parents may be conscious of suspicion within the family or among neighbours of neglect on their part.