I have looked at enmeshment as one powerful source of toxic shame. There are many others, and these are well illustrated by John Bradshaw. I have already briefly explored enmeshment by the primary carer, (normally the mother) as a source of toxic shame, and as the source that is most difficult to become aware of. How difficult it is to criticize and blame one’s mother. The mother is a key figure in what the psychologists call the family system, and the nature of the family system is often at the root of toxic shame.
Bradshaw makes the valid point that toxic shame is mainly bred in significant relationships, and our significant relationships are obviously in our families. If a family is dysfunctional, it will pass this dysfunction on to the next generation, and so on. Like abusive behaviour, toxic shame can carry on from generation to generation, unless it is dealt with at some stage. I’m sure you have often heard the old saying ‘like father, like son’! I believe that this does not mean that we have inherited our behaviours in a genetic way, but that we have learned them from a previous generation. As one generation sprays toxic shame onto the next, it continues into the future to destroy happiness, until and unless it is stopped in its tracks.
Tags: shame, toxic shame