Fundamentally being enmeshed means losing one’s identity. The child’s identity becomes entangled with that of the parent. The child cannot learn proper boundaries, and suffers a loss of self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from a strong sense of identity and separateness. The child who has been enmeshed may suffer from toxic shame and may have a rage (people may refer to it as a temper) until the roots of the shame have been explored. Such rage will also spring from the subconscious feeling that an abuse has occurred. Nothing kindles rage as much as abuse.
Lynn Namka examines other sources of shame caused by adults to children. She looks at parental withdrawal, favouring a sibling, having very high standards of behavior, and reacting with anger when the child fails to reach them. Shame is also sown in the child by punishing them for crying or for showing other forms of vulnerability, such as being in pain or distress. Sexual abuse is one of the greatest causes of shame, making the child feel dirty and bad, and the child can absorb the shame of the abuser.
These are easier to trace as sources of shame. They are self-evident. Enmeshment, however, is more difficult because it is more subtle. The child as an adult may remember being very much loved by the primary carer, and cannot understand why over-love breeds rage and shame.
Tags: shame, toxic shame, unhealthy shame