Because core shame takes place at a very young age, before the child has formed any boundaries, and results in a loss of self-trust, the adult lacks judgement. How often have I heard clients say that they don’t understand why they have made stupid decisions. Such distrust of his basic powers (judgement, trust, feelings, and desires) renders the person powerless and insecure. The shamed person makes enormous efforts to keep the pain of toxic shame at bay, as they appear to lead successful, happy lives, but experience fear, hurt and loneliness. He also develops many defences to ward off the pain. These can be seen as characteristics. And boy, there are such a lot of them. Some are as follows:- denial, rage, envy, criticism, blame, caretaking, rescuing, power control, spraying shame onto others, perfectionism, judmentalness, addictions, alienation (borderline personality), paranoia, narcissism, criminality, eating disorders, patronising, people pleasing, moralising, righteousness, violence, sexual abuser, workaholics, and disconnection.
All of these may not always necessarily stem from toxic shame. But when you look at them and think about them, it is easy to see why they may be connected to core shame. I will look at them in more detail in my next post
Tags: shame, toxic shame, unhealthy shame