I have shown that toxic shame means being shamed to the core, so that it permeates and pollutes all other feelings, except rage. Now I would like to explore how we can become toxically shamed. Generally such shame is sown in us in our early childhood, and is reinforced as we grow through childhood, so that by the time we are adults it is ingrained in our core. sometimes toxic shame is called core shame.
As tiny babies we are totally dependent, and rely upon the love and affection of our parents, and particularly upon our mothers, who are our primary carertakers. In that context, I must emphasise that i am not writing this to blame parents. But, it is a fact that we learn from our parents, we imbibe their feelings, and if they are shame based we automatically absorb and internalise their shame. We can be shamed, in what psychologists call our family systems, in many ways.
Enmeshment is one source of toxic shame, and sufferers of toxic shame from this source have no idea of why they are so unhappy at the core. They are unaware of an enmeshed relationship, and thus unaware that they have been shamed to the core by such a relationship. Interestingly the Dictionary of Psychology makes no reference to it. I only came to understand it as I was undergoing therapy for my counselling training, when my therapist used the imagery of the river being swallowed up as it enters the sea. I will explain this further in my contribution next monday.
Tags: shame, toxic shame, unhealthy shame