Communication is the key to a good relationship and couple counselling can help to resolve that issue, although, unfortunately, it will not work if one of the partners is controlling. That is my experience, and I have never seen an exception to it. Individual counselling is essential to ensure that
Blog Archives
COERCIVE CONTROL IS NOW A CRIME WITH UP TO 5 YEARS IN JAIL FOR PERPETRATORS
I have been in hospital for surgery and missed doing my last blog. so it is nice to be back in contact with you and I hope all my readers are keeping well. As you are aware, my blog on abuse consists of extracts from my book on abuse. Abuse
It all ended well for Linda and she deserves every happiness for dealing with how she was betrayed.
I hope that this blog has given you a better understanding of abuse. It is an emotionally difficult behaviour to explore. Some of this behaviour is ghastly, and has a devastating impact on victims. Nonetheless, however difficult an abusive situation seems to be, however despairing your frame of mind, even
When you have healed you must still watch any propensity to control.
I believe, however, that the urge to control never leaves, although it greatly lessens. Therefore, to prevent this, you must always be keenly aware of your need to control. When you have completed therapy, your ways of controlling can become more subtle. You will know that control is the basis
To change your abusive personality you must first acknowledge that you are abusive and take responsibility
When you have told and discussed your stories, you should begin the healing process, as discussed in the last blog. This means sitting down, and acknowledging and taking responsibility for your part in the abusive relationship. Listen to each other’s unconditional admission without interruption and without becoming defensive. Both of
It is difficult to change a mutually abusive relationship
As I mentioned earlier, about 45% of abusive relationships are bilateral, or mutually abusive. One of you may ultimately feel that you cannot go on living like this, and perhaps begin the process of trying to change the abusive relationship. This is a major task, and it is unlikely that
Abusive people do not feel empathy, but they are responsible for their behaviour
As you slowly and painfully increase your understanding of what makes you abusive and how you control, you can begin your journey of making some amends to your victims. This means taking full responsibility for your abuse. No excuses! No minimisation! It was wrong. It hurt others. It was deliberate.
Possessiveness is a sign of vulnerability, but is a nightmare for the target
While you are taught to manage your anger, you will continue to probe issues underlying abuse – power and control- so it is vital in individual counselling to explore how you control. To do this, examine closely the daily tactics you have used, and see, for example, if you frequently
Beverly Engel, Connie Fourré and Lundy Bancroft outline steps that will help you confront your abusiveness, and I will use my own experience to supplement these. I believe that the first step is to learn about the abusive or controlling personality, the characteristics of abusers, and the importance of attachment
Counselling is necessary to get rid of the controlling impulse
Counselling, of course, is expensive and you may not be able to afford private counselling, but you can avail of free mental health counselling services under the aegis of the HSE, which will also help you deal with any mental health problems as well. Addiction counselling services are provided through