Blog Archives

It all ended well for Linda and she deserves every happiness for dealing with how she was betrayed.

I hope that this blog has given you a better understanding of abuse. It is an emotionally difficult behaviour to explore. Some of this behaviour is ghastly, and has a devastating impact on victims. Nonetheless, however difficult an abusive situation seems to be, however despairing your frame of mind, even

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When you have healed you must still watch any propensity to control.

I believe, however, that the urge to control never leaves, although it greatly lessens. Therefore, to prevent this, you must always be keenly aware of your need to control. When you have completed therapy, your ways of controlling can become more subtle. You will know that control is the basis

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To change your abusive personality you must first acknowledge that you are abusive and take responsibility

When you have told and discussed your stories, you should begin the healing process, as discussed in the last blog. This means sitting down, and acknowledging and taking responsibility for your part in the abusive relationship. Listen to each other’s unconditional admission without interruption and without becoming defensive. Both of

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It is difficult to change a mutually abusive relationship

As I mentioned earlier, about 45% of abusive relationships are bilateral, or mutually abusive. One of you may ultimately feel that you cannot go on living like this, and perhaps begin the process of trying to change the abusive relationship. This is a major task, and it is unlikely that

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Abusive people do not feel empathy, but they are responsible for their behaviour

As you slowly and painfully increase your understanding of what makes you abusive and how you control, you can begin your journey of making some amends to your victims. This means taking full responsibility for your abuse. No excuses! No minimisation! It was wrong. It hurt others. It was deliberate.

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Possessiveness is a sign of vulnerability, but is a nightmare for the target

While you are taught to manage your anger, you will continue to probe issues underlying abuse – power and control- so it is vital in individual counselling to explore how you control. To do this, examine closely the daily tactics you have used, and see, for example, if you frequently

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Beverly Engel, Connie Fourré and Lundy Bancroft outline steps that will help you confront your abusiveness, and I will use my own experience to supplement these. I believe that the first step is to learn about the abusive or controlling personality, the characteristics of abusers, and the importance of attachment

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Counselling is necessary to get rid of the controlling impulse

Counselling, of course, is expensive and you may not be able to afford private counselling, but you can avail of free mental health counselling services under the aegis of the HSE, which will also help you deal with any mental health problems as well. Addiction counselling services are provided through

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different ways to help an abusive person change

GROW is another worthwhile organisation where you can find support. It is a voluntary movement and does not have waiting lists. It, too, has branches all over Ireland, and, like AWARE, its main activity is the establishment of group meetings where any mental issues can be explored, and where the

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Controlling people suffer from other mental health problems

Those who work on programmes in Ireland enjoy the satisfaction of seeing some of the abusive participants change for the better and stop abusing. But, this work can also be frustrating, and facilitators also experience the disappointment of trying to deal with abusive men, who are not willing to change.

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