Communication means speaking in a non-judgemental way, specifically naming the behaviour that causes us displeasure, saying ‘I feel angry/fearful when you shout at me’, ‘I don’t like it when you touch me like that’, and so on. Communication is also about making the consequences clear, if the other person continues
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It is not difficult to build boundaries, the key to happiness
Loving ourselves, of course, means having the inestimable gift of good self-esteem (esteem for the self), which is our best defence against abuse. This strong sense of self-worth and self-value must lie within ourselves. Outside factors such as work or achievements is not a foundation for true self-esteem. Clearly if
Finding the true self
In the main, parents do not deliberately set out to harm their child. However, if they operate in a dysfunctional way the child internalises (takes in) their negative feelings about themselves, and models himself upon their dysfunction, thus laying part of the foundation of the abusive personality, discussed in another
Children were muzzled, silenced and shamed
I grew up in an era when the motto that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ was frequently voiced! Parents of that era did the best they could, but, in a sense, that dictum diluted children’s boundaries, and made them vulnerable to abuse when they reached adulthood. They were
Children and Boundaries
The American psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good explanation of boundaries from birth to late teens, by which time boundaries should be well established. From birth to five months, the child feels at one with the primary caretaker, although somewhere in that period it begins to sense
How we attach to our primary caregiver is vital for a happy adulthood
Boundaries help us to fight against irrational thoughts. It is our job to care about others, but not to take care of them. Taking care of them prevents them making choices. We may not agree with the choices of others. Of course, we are entitled to state our opinion about
Sometimes people with weak boundaries retreat from social intercourse and ruminate in their loneliness
Those with weak boundaries often conceal their real feelings, and even if they strongly disagree with something, they pretend to agree. This leaves them open to becoming victims of abuse, and ultimately to feel the bitter taste of powerlessness, and to flounder in a state of confusion. They become fearful
People with weak boundaries collude with abuse
People with weak boundaries find it very difficult to say no, and so collude with abuse. They may be unable to say no because of unhealthy core instincts, and, like Alex, may dislike hurting other people’s feelings; they may have a fear of abandonment, or an inclination to be dependent
The vulnerable child in the shell
Some people’s boundaries are so rigid that they are unable to have any real emotional relationship. They dissociate (make themselves emotionally distant), and refuse to let anyone in, or if they do, they quickly cast them out as the discomfort caused by intimacy is too great, more than likely because
a person in a co-dependency relationship colludes in keeping a partner in an unhealthy state
Sometimes enmeshment can mean that a child, as in the case of Alex, is forced to meet the needs of a parent, and this type of role reversal eventually makes the child feel inadequate, because children cannot properly fulfil the role of an adult. They are not permitted to be