I have been in hospital for surgery and missed doing my last blog. so it is nice to be back in contact with you and I hope all my readers are keeping well.
As you are aware, my blog on abuse consists of extracts from my book on abuse. Abuse is the main issue that counsellors deal with. This week I am departing from my usual blog on childhood to look at a new law that has come into force in Ireland in the last month or so. It has been law in the UK since 2015, but I am not sure about other countries. It is a law making coercive control, which is EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL – INCLUDED VERBAL AND FINANCIAL ABUSE. illegal. It is a separate section under the Domestic violence act. I welcome this wholeheartedly. I find it very difficult to see good people, both men and women, suffering great distress at the hands of perpetrators whose aim is to torture their partners. They exert control over them at every opportunity, and are always critical. Remember that abuse is about power and control. The new Irish law allows prosecutions of people who create an ongoing threatening atmosphere within a relationship, even in the absence of violence or overt threats of violence. The awful atmosphere created by perpetrators devastates the person who is targetted. The new law is more complex that this and includes new measures on rape of partners and clarification of barring orders even when the person does not live with the abusive person. On a very important level children will be able to make their views known to the court where an order is sought on behalf of or partly relates to the child. I would advise readers to check this law in detail if you find yourself in the awful situation of suffering coercive control.
Anyone who suffers the lash of the tongue will tell you that emotional and verbal abuse leaves a mark on the soul, which, they feel is worse than the scar on the body. It would be helpful to you if you went back and read the blogs on emotional and verbal abuse in my previous blogs.
IF YOU ARE BEING PERSECUTED IN AN COERCIVE ABUSIVE SITUATION IT IS VITAL TO KEEP NOTES OF WHAT HAPPENED. NOTE THE DATE, THE TIME, WHAT HAPPENED (WHAT WAS SAID OR DONE BY THE PERPETRATOR) AND HOW IT AFFECTED YOU. KEEP A CONSTANT DIARY OF HIS OR HER BEHAVIOURS. MAKE SURE YOU HIDE YOUR NOTES BECAUSE ABUSERS ARE INCLINED TO SEARCH YOUR BELONGINGS IN THEIR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR.
Finally, remember how to deal with an abusive person on an ongoing basis –
1. Don’t get involved in an argument with them. Power is their driving force and you will never win.
2.Be assertive. Say no. Say you do not agree with their behaviour. KEEP THIS SHORT.
3. Don’t try to placate or please the abuser. It never works and will make him or her worse.
