Other women tell stories that show violence that is more obvious. Elaine Weiss’s blog contains stories of women knocked unconscious by blows to the face sufficiently powerful to send them hurtling across the room. Another story reveals how a man scratched his name on different parts of his wife’s body. Even when she had fled from him, these marks, the most personal sign of power and ownership, were a constant and fearful reminder of her ordeal. One survivor sustained permanent injury to the ligaments of her arm when her husband viciously twisted it behind her back. Another was constantly beaten, her arm and nose were broken, her ribs cracked, and one of her kidneys ruptured. After one beating, she was in a coma for several weeks and had multiple brain haemorrhages. Ann Jones gives examples of horrendous injuries, including one of a female victim whose face was permanently disfigured by a violent partner. Sandra Horley relates how an abusive husband cut off his wife’s beautiful hair with a knife and gloated about how ugly she was.
In her story, Linda sometimes minimises the physical abuse, especially when it was not directed specifically at her. Driven by envy, jealousy and rage, Stephen’s violent tendencies erupted on the night that she left her job in Galway, when her company treated her to drinks and praised her work ethic. When Stephen arrived home his rage was in full flow, and he attacked the car tearing off the wipers and smashing the mirrors. When they moved to their more remote house, the violence become more terrifying, and was directed at her. Again, she is inclined to minimise this, although in retrospect she realised that it would get worse, because she knew that his father battered his mother. Despite the violence she tried to keep it secret, which is one of the characteristics of victims behaviour.
One of the earlier memories she has of physical abuse was when
“Stephen pushed me to the couch when I was pregnant. He was leaving again, and I knew he was going to go drinking for the night. I stood in front of him and pleaded with him not to go, but he just shoved me out of his way. I was about 7-8 months pregnant at that time.
Stephen never punched or kicked me, but he threw things at me. I remember one Sunday, when we had just moved to our new house, he was in the pub, and I rang him and told him to come home. I explained that I needed help with Jack, and told him that if he didn’t come up from the pub and help me out, I was going down there, and in front of everyone, I would ask him to leave. I was at the end of my tether with him; I was just after having our child who was a few weeks old. I was exhausted and he was giving no help. Of course, it was the worst thing I could have done; he came home in a rage, and threw the toaster at me. He then stormed out of the house and went back drinking. I didn’t see him until the following evening.
Another vivid memory was the night we went out with my cousin and her husband. His rage showed that night too. He started drinking, and we went from one venue to another. On the way, he disappeared. I didn’t know where he had gone, and tried ringing his phone, but there was no answer. I made excuses to my cousin that he would be back. I said that he must have met someone along the way and that we must have kept walking along and missed him. After a while, we gave up and decided to get a taxi home. We were on the side of the street trying to get the taxi, when we saw him walk towards us. He walked straight to me, and with the most intense strength pushed me so hard I went flying back on my back, and banged my head off the kerb. He then ran off. I remember a passer by saying “that is just unbelievable what he has just done to that girl”. My cousin was livid and told him she was going to the gardaí over this. What was more shocking and unbelievable to me, was that he could do this to me -number one – for nothing. And he did it in public right in front of my cousin. I remember feeling so embarrassed, because my cousin had no idea of the way things were. She only knew what I told her, which was that everything was great. I swore her to secrecy regarding that event, and told her I didn’t want her telling anyone. Of course, she quizzed me, and asked me to consider leaving him. I told her that there must be something upsetting him, and that it was the first time he had done such a thing. I said that I would talk to him, and that he feels really bad. He got up the next day and pretended it didn’t happen, when my cousin was gone home.
As I said he never punched or kicked me, but sometimes he would charge at me in a rage, when he would push or shove me. The expression on his face made me afraid. He put his arm around my neck one day just to frighten me.”
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEATH OF A CHILD