Foetus- like in shell unbreached
The wounded child lies
Alone
Within the adult.
Filled with pain.
Confused,
Not knowing why.
A frozen wasteland,
Where there is no warmth,
Where intimacy burns the soul,
And leaves the spirit
Mourning the loss of love
Yearning for the joy of soul- togetherness.
Never.
I wrote that little poem to show what happens to a child when they suffer childhood neglect i.e. when their dependency needs of love, affection, attention and direction are not met. When a parent spends time with a child they feel loved, when they are hugged frequently they feel wanted and approved of, when attention is paid to them they feel worthwhile and when they are directed (shown how to do things) they feel competent. Their self-esteem grows and they grow into adults feeling loved and loveable. When this does not happen the numb and develop a shell as shown in this poem. Bearing that in mind I would like to begin this block by examining boundaries
I believe that understanding boundaries is one of the major defences against control (abuse), and in recovering from its aftermath. The concept of boundaries is not easily understood, so I will allow my close friend, Alex, to share his story with you as an introduction to the reality of boundaries.
For about 40 years, I struggled with intense feelings of shame, anger, and feeling that I was not a good enough human being. I had no idea why I felt like this, and I didn’t know who I was. My judgement was always poor, and I worried about offending others. I made every effort to be nice to everyone and to please everyone, and I kept up a facade of being happy. I eventually admitted to myself that I hated my mother, and opened up a can of worms that I had kept closed all my life. My mother, not deliberately, tried to keep me for herself. She did not allow me to emotionally separate from her, and I became an angry rebel. When the time came, I couldn’t wait to get away from home. I was ok until about the age of 13. I adored my mother, but at around that age I began to hate her. I never admitted it, and thought it was sinful, so I began to hate myself for feeling this way. How could I hate my mother who gave me so many material things! Somehow, I felt part of her. I felt smothered, and did not feel whole or separate. It was a horrible feeling of unease and pain. Worst of all I had no feeling for anyone. I never felt any remorse, and this lack of sympathy tormented me. I knew it was wrong. But where did it come from, I often asked myself. The more ruthless I grew the more I hated myself. Looking back, the most obvious sign that I was meeting my mother’s needs, was the fact that I was over 7 years of age before she sent me to school. Most children in those days went to school at 4 or 5 years old. This entanglement messed up my life for a long time, and affected all those close to me.
Abusive behaviour humiliates the victim, and refuses to recognise the dignity of the human being. It is a contemptuous exertion of power over another. When people suffer severe abuse their emotional boundaries not only become blurred, but they often lose any sense of them.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press