In the main, parents do not deliberately set out to harm their child. However, if they operate in a dysfunctional way the child internalises (takes in) their negative feelings about themselves, and models himself upon their dysfunction, thus laying part of the foundation of the abusive personality, discussed in another chapter. This is catastrophic. The unfortunate child will only have a distorted image of the real or true self, and this distortion remains in adult life. The distortion is reinforced if the ugly reality of abuse enters the life of the person, and will be looked at again in the chapter on child abuse.
The concept of the real self is very emotional for me, and once drew my tears as I read one of Carl Rogers’s blogs in the foyer of the Ardilaun House Hotel in Galway. I was then in my fifties, and I can only agree with Charles Whitfield that those of us with blurred boundaries and a false self stumble through life and only discover how to recover after mid-life. So much can be wasted when boundaries are imperfect. Clearly, if we have not adequate boundaries it is important for our happiness and our independence to build some, and protect ourselves from abuse. It is our right, duty and responsibility to protect ourselves.
How, therefore, do we go about building proper boundaries in adulthood? First, we must educate ourselves and understand what they are. It can be a moving experience to begin the construction of boundaries because it involves a quest for our real selves. The real self is utterly loveable, because it is the self that entered this world as a tiny infant. I believe that we can only build good boundaries as adults if we love ourselves, but we must first find that self. Then we will automatically erect proper boundaries to protect that person we love. Loving ourselves means loving all of ourselves, the negative as well as the positive traits that we all have. If there is any part of ourselves that we do not love, then we do not love ourselves, and become split within ourselves.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD