Boundaries help us to fight against irrational thoughts. It is our job to care about others, but not to take care of them. Taking care of them prevents them making choices. We may not agree with the choices of others. Of course, we are entitled to state our opinion about the choices, but ultimately we must respect them. Healthy boundaries have fundamental characteristics. We are aware of them, they protect the real us, they are clear; they are as firm as we wish them to be, they are flexible, and we know when and how to maintain them.
Where then do we build healthy boundaries? Who teaches us to build them? Ideally, parents are the main teachers. They demonstrate healthy boundaries by their own behaviour within and without the home. Children also learn boundaries when they have a secure attachment to their parents, especially to the main caregiver. A secure attachment means that they feel safe in the warm love of their caregiver, but are gradually allowed to detach and extend their relationship to others, and finally to separate fully from their parents. As Donald Dutton, Professor of Psychology at the University of British Columbia, points out, the important element of secure attachment is attunement whereby the mother’s response matches the emotional state shown by the infant. She does this through sounds, facial expression, and gestures. The Irish writer, Liam Ó Flaithearta in his book of short stories, Dúil, has a marvellous story about a baby, which illustrates this very well. This simple story tells about a small child gradually separating from his mother, and the excitement that he feels as he explores his environment, yet at the same time keeping a watchful eye on her. The story ends with the child snuggled in his mother’s lap dreaming about further exploration until he will eventually take his place in the wide world. Unwittingly, Ó Flaithearta probably penned the first illustration of a secure attachment by a child to his mother!
However, to understand abuse we also need to understand what an insecure attachment means. For our purposes, an insecure attachment can mean a fearful or dismissive attachment. A child who has a dismissive attachment appears to be independent of mother, can crawl away from her and return without paying any attention to her, almost avoiding her. Separation does not seem to bother this child. On the other hand, a child with a fearful attachment becomes terrified at leaving mother, and clings to her with all his might. I believe that fearful attachment, in particular, can breed the hidden raging serpent of abuse that will someday strike and wound. Fortunately, this happens only in a minority of such cases.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press