If you suffer from a fear of failure, an exploration of your childhood role in the family might point to another root. Sometimes there is a natural order in these roles. Generally speaking, every member of a family has particular roles. The eldest child is normally the star or the hero, the one who always wants to do the right thing, the good child. The second cannot be the star and becomes the opposite, not exactly the villain but the rebel, very often drawing the fire of parents and testing their patience. Frequently the third child is the quiet one, and the youngest is the comedian or entertainer. Within large families there are groups who associate with each other and form small ‘families’ within the larger one. I examined my own family of five children and the role theory fitted exactly, but it is not always true of every family. The child adopts a role to have a voice perhaps, or even to survive. That is all very well, but when a role is imposed on a child, the whole parenting dynamic of the family changes and the developmental process of that child is interrupted. Sometimes, circumstances dictate that giving a child an adult role may be necessary. I have met adults whose mothers died, or were ill or depressed, and as children they took on the role of parent. From my experience the psychological damage suffered varies, but in cases where a child is forced by dysfunctional parents to be their caretaker, the consequences can result in chronic distress later in life for that child. A child given an adult role is bound to fail. There is every chance that such a child will reach adulthood with a core feeling of failure and incompetency. I have seen such victims in a very conflicted state, feeling proud, angry, anxious, confused and fearful.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLING TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
FEAR
ANGER
JEALOUSY
SHAME
