These are samples of a wide range of abusive behaviours designed to control and disempower through emotional means. Abusers, for example, often threaten to leave the victims, and despite being in an abusive situation this threat of abandonment can fill them with fear. Linda, for example, had developed a dependence on Stephen. He sensed this vulnerability, and made this threat
“Stephen would sometimes threaten me with leaving, he would say that he is leaving if something doesn’t change – could be anything. That was really scary for me when he would say that – as at the time I could see no existence without him, I wasn’t able to see that I would be able to survive financially and emotionally and build a new life for my son and me. He knew I would be scared of this statement. We would often have discussions in the good days, and both of us agreed that we would hate to be single again and looking for someone, as it’s hard and lonely.”
Some abusers have no hesitation in using their children. I am aware of female abusers denying their ex-partners access to their children. I have talked to victims whose abusers checked their speedometers, and whose phone calls were monitored. Their abusers spied on them when they made or received phone calls, or tried to prevent them from making calls. Some abusers stalk their victims by constantly ringing them to check where they are, and what they are doing. They show excessive jealousy and possessiveness, and frequently call home to make sure that the victim is there. Victims are not permitted time alone, or a space of their own. Children may be used to hurt the victim, by making them spies, or by threatening to call child protection services if the mother threatens to leave the relationship. They are bullied and forced to accept distasteful ideas and behaviours. Their beliefs, gender, sexuality, ability, age, and sexual orientation are often ridiculed.
Victims are treated like hostages, and may be denied reminders of their past lives. Their abusive partners may throw out pictures, letters, and mementos of their lives before the relationship. When Linda and Stephen moved into a new house in Newbridge, before he showed his full abusive colours, he laid down the first rule of control
“that no photos or personal possessions relating to any of my past relationships were to be brought with me, nor were any presents that I may have received from these past relationships. Everything was to be destroyed. So I ended up throwing away photos of past relationships, some of which had good memories. But I did hold onto my debs photos. I put these into the family albums that my mother had, because Stephen would never check these. And, I always made sure, if we were ever in my mother’s house, that this particular album would never be brought out. Of course, at the time I did wonder why he was so jealous of past relationships as they are in the past and are of no threat to our relationship. But to make him happy I went along with this.”
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEATH OF A CHILD
