People with weak boundaries find it very difficult to say no, and so collude with abuse. They may be unable to say no because of unhealthy core instincts, and, like Alex, may dislike hurting other people’s feelings; they may have a fear of abandonment, or an inclination to be dependent on others. They may also have a fear of being shamed, or of being seen as selfish or being overly strict. In other words, they live in a world of uncertainty, sometimes fearing the anger and retribution of another, wallow in low self-esteem and confusion, and drown in their shame, guilt, anger and exhaustion. They allow the abuser an easy entrance to their personal space to exert control over them. The well-known American psychotherapist, Charles Whitfield, has an extensive checklist on boundaries in chapter 2 of his blog, Boundaries and Relationships.
Our relationships can also founder on the jagged rocks of self-boundary deficiencies, where we struggle in chaos and shifting sands. Self-boundaries are the limits we set on ourselves, as against the limits we set on others. They are our internal boundary struggles. These may be concretised as food addictions, problems with money such as overspending, inability to budget, borrowing and difficulties with credit, to name but a few. Self-boundary problems are also likely to arise in the context of time boundaries. People with weak self-boundaries find timekeeping difficult. They create tensions and misery for others by being late for meetings and appointments. They also find it difficult to complete deadlines and tasks. Failure to complete tasks may stem from core shame, the great destroyer of boundaries. Such people lack good judgement, may fear being successful, are easily distracted, and unable to focus on the task to be completed. They create the conditions where either abusiveness or victimhood can flourish.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press