There is an ironic component of incompetency that you also need to be aware of, which has been well addressed in the literature. Since this secret world harbours a deep sense of shame, it also brings the curse of pathological perfectionism. Research shows that a high level of perfectionism is strongly linked with fear of failure. Pathological perfectionism is not about doing your best or striving for excellence, but about making unrealistic goals; of setting the bar so high that you will never clear it and then feeling ashamed for failing. Perfectionism is a way of thinking and of being, which includes constant negative comparison with others that relentlessly drive it.
If you practise perfectionism you hope to get approval, one of the dependency needs absent from your childhood. If you ‘fail’ and sense disapproval, avoidance will become your normal behaviour. It is a murderous never-ending treadmill where you keep trying and failing. Any treadmill that you cannot get off is like an addiction. You agonise about making a mistake, or saying or doing the wrong thing. Pathological perfectionism is just as much a prison as fear of failure is. It feeds into it and is probably more shackling because it is how you define yourself – ‘I am only ok if I never make a mistake’. It provokes self-criticism and more than likely a low level of chronic depression. Adults who bring perfectionism from childhood suffer intensely as they try to nurture an invented self that can never be nurtured. They may suffer not only fear, but anxiety, worry, depression, anger, fatigue and health problems. They never feel good enough.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLING TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
FEAR
ANGER
JEALOUSY
SHAME
