Remaining in or Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Shackled forever?
Never to leave the prison?
Never to find the key?
Never to breathe the air of freedom?
Never to find self-expression?
Never to be?
Always lost?
Always leashed?
Always rejected?
Never loved?
Always caring for the unlovable?
No escape from lash of tongue?
From invisible restraint?
From unwilling surrender?
Never to seek another place?
Jim O’Shea
Leaving or staying in an abusive relationship is a decision. Linda articulates it well when she says that she can choose to
live a horrible life, and expose my son to it too, because I was too afraid to leave, or get out and struggle in the world as a single parent, where I could start building a new life, and every day get a little bit further in our new life, and give a loving childhood to my son, so he can grow to be a good man.
Many women leave and return a number of times during the calm part of the abusive cycle. Eventually they learn through painful experience that the abuser does not change, as the cycle of violence begins again. Linda went from being optimistic during the calm period, to distress at the abandonment she and Jack endured within a short time of returning
We were about a month and half back together, and I was happy, because he was really making an effort. But, slowly things went back to the old ways. He went off every evening, and although he didn’t stay out all night, he returned very late. I remember one evening he went off with one of his friends, who called to the house. He said that he would be back around 11, but I went to bed at 10 or so. At 2am, I heard him come home, and got up and asked where he had been until this hour. He said that he was just chatting to his friend, and that he didn’t realise that the time had gone so quickly. I was so tired from hurting, and I was back with him to make a go of it again, I didn’t want to believe that he was being unfaithful again, so I swallowed his story and went to bed. I guess you could say I was living in denial.
I remember telling him that we were spending no time together, and that Jack hardly ever saw him. He didn’t listen. One evening when he was going out again, I was crying and pleaded with him to stay. I knew deep inside what was going on. I just didn’t want to believe it. He left that evening, and my last memory of him was walking out the door, and I felt so on my own. Because I was on my own. I was on my own in this relationship, and I was on my own with regard to the love in our relationship, because I was the only one that loved.
I recognise that it takes strength to stay or leave. Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs, an American organisation, outlines a long list of why women stay in abusive relations. WRAP sees three type of reason – situational factors, emotional factors, and personal beliefs, a powerful combination that makes it so difficult to leave an abusive relationship.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
Blogged to here 10 March 2017