When you have told and discussed your stories, you should begin the healing process, as discussed in the last blog. This means sitting down, and acknowledging and taking responsibility for your part in the abusive relationship. Listen to each other’s unconditional admission without interruption and without becoming defensive. Both of
Blog Archives
abusive people are often unfaithful
The abuser is needy, and, ironically, the charmer is more often than not a womaniser, who has many affairs. Linda’s husband was a serial adulterer, and did not hesitate to use the family home for some of his affairs. She became aware of his infidelity when he brought an ex-partner
controlling people have low self-esteem and project their own negative traits onto their partners
Despite the outpouring of rage and shame, all controlling people have a low sense of self-esteem and self-worth, and being in control brings a sense of safety. controllers feel like victims, and may have been one, so sometimes they carry out the abuse as a way of retribution or revenge.
There are many types of abusive behaviour
The beliefs that partly underpin male abusive thinking can also be formed by social and legal influences that undermine respect for women. When I was young in the 1940s and 1950s, I learned that a woman’s place was in the home, at the kitchen sink, doing menial work. Housework and
The controlling person chooses his target which he sees as prey
The controlling personality type is programmed to control, as a way of easing feelings of being worthless, vulnerable and unlovable. The anger of the person with a propensity for violence is aroused and maintained by thinking distortions, such as making assumptions about a partner without any supporting evidence. These distortions
you must understand the controlling mind to counteract abuse
As well as being aware of the signs of an abusive relationship, it is helpful to understand the abusive personality and mindset. There are many theories about this, and much controversy about these theories, but those that I find convincing are brain formation and thinking patterns of abusive people. Over
The controlling person gets to know the mind of the intended victim.
Some of the behaviours mentioned in the last blog entry are, on their own, strong signals of an abusive mentality, and if a pattern emerges, you are certainly entering the danger zone of misery, humiliation and control, and possibly of violence. The fact that abuse in longstanding relationships is one
isolation is the way controllers treat their partners
Moving to live in a more isolated place is only one stratagem in abusers’ plans. Their jealousy and urge to control is so great that they also seek to isolate their partners from friends and family. Some victims, such as Linda, succumb to this devastating abuse for peace sake –
possessiveness is not love. it is power and control
Linda’s pain intensified when their baby, Jack, was born, because not only did Stephen renege on his promises to be an involved father, but also he effectively abandoned his young wife and newborn baby, in favour of going out with his friends, and behaving irresponsibly – “I used to say
The abusive person charms and then destroys.
The characteristics and behaviours of the Jekyll and Hyde personality are well illustrated by Stephen, who demanded an early commitment from Linda. He swept her off her feet with his charm, quickly married and then cruelly abandoned her. It is a shocking experience to be loved so warmly, and then