The need for approval is a deep and hurtful wound from childhood. I was driven by the need for approval. As a Principal, I needed approval from the students, the staff, the parents, the Board of Management, the Department of Education, the townspeople and the trustees! And my perfectionism was murderous. I took responsibility for every brick in the building, every mark on the walls. I constantly felt under scrutiny. It is no wonder that I retired at fifty-eight and for three months lay on a couch exhausted, until I found the motivation to complete the final part of my counselling course. This was the result of spending years on that treadmill, being hard on myself, driving myself, worrying, lacking self-empathy and fearing failure. The upshot of all of this striving was that I was rightly regarded as a good Principal. It was, however, to the detriment of my health. My perfectionistic thinking and my inability to properly delegate were my downfall. This type of thinking is well explored in the second edition of When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough by Martin Antony and Richard Swinson. They identify perfectionistic thoughts and provide exercises to help change such thoughts. Some of the common characteristics of perfectionistic thinking is the intense focus it has on yourself and the possibility of intense anger and shame. I wanted everything to be perfect in my school – the quality of the teaching, the behaviour of the students, the quality of the school building. That is all very well, but the fact that I took personal responsibility for all of these pointed to perfectionistic thinking. If there is a mark on a wall, it is my fault. If a child misbehaves during lunch break, it is my fault. If a teacher is underperforming, it is my fault. Each one of these is a monkey, and as the monkeys accumulate on your shoulder exhaustion and stress will eventually come. You might like to read Ken Blanchard’s book, The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey. The Monkey is the next move!!!
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLING TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
FEAR
ANGER
JEALOUSY
SHAME
