Religious beliefs and personal values are very powerful influences in shaping the decision to stay. St Paul did women no favours in his concept of female subservience to men, who may have been conditioned by the Pauline teaching to see themselves as being the authority figures. On the other hand, many victims find that prayer helps them to leave when they realise that they have no feelings for the abuser.
One of the most powerful personal values is the belief that children need both parents. Many victims have a strong sense of duty and responsibility, and a belief that marriage is forever. When you add this to traditional female socialisation, you have a powerful guilt recipe for holding a woman in the relationship. Women were taught to believe that they have the responsibility of keeping the family together, or that suffering is the path to salvation. Living with the abusive man is the cross she must carry, and she does her utmost to fulfil her ‘role’ of making her partner happy, while keeping up the pretence of a successful marriage with two parents to care for their children. Look at Linda’s mindset as her marriage deteriorated
I was so upset. What was I going to do? I couldn’t have a failed marriage. I couldn’t tell my parents and friends and the general community that I had a failed marriage. I couldn’t let my son come from a broken home. That was not my plan for him. He had to come from a home with two parents. And, how could I ever leave Stephen? God knows what he would do if he didn’t have me to lean on! So who was I kidding thinking I was leaving? I had chosen to get married, so I had to get on with it, and hope it would get better. So, I plodded along and everyday carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, and played happy families to the outside world, including my family. I would put on a false smile and make out everything was great. But, you can only carry so much for so long! I was slowly getting worn out!
So she resolved to be a ‘better wife’, a behaviour that many abused women use. She may not have understood the abusive mindset at the time, but she soon came to realise that it was a fruitless effort
Who was I kidding – you need two people in a marriage. One person putting in the effort is not going to make a blind bit of difference. He wasn’t reading from the same hymn sheet as me.
I am convinced that one of the most potent influences on remaining in an abusive relationship is the confusion that arises because of the Jekyll and Hyde personality of the abuser. The 10 types of abusive personalities mentioned by Lundy Bancroft contain plausible and kind traits. Partners may see only those qualities, and are blind to the controlling, wounding elements. This can be reinforced by the reaction of the abusers, who may plead, promise to change, enter therapy, apologise, or threaten to commit suicide. Others, however, increase their abusive control, and make their partners powerless by making them pregnant as often as possible, removing birth control devices, and forcing themselves upon them.
Finally, psychologists suggest that a primary reason for remaining in abusive relationships is the failure of victims to mourn and accept their losses. You might surmise that escaping from severe abuse is a liberating loss, but there can be confusion because feelings about a partner are so mixed.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
