In the last blog we have been looking at perfectionism. The subconscious desire to be good enough is a parallel, but connected, treadmill to perfectionism promoting fear of failure. It has many roots, and the behaviour is a never ending drive to please others. The greater your fear of failure the more approval you seek. The need for approval is one of the greatest forces driving the perfectionist. You will never say no because your boundaries are flawed and apart from fearing that you might hurt others by a refusal, you crave to be liked. You will always be obliging to others to help you feel better. You might say that it is a good thing to be nice, to be helpful. It is important that you define yourself by your kindness, but, that is different from defining yourself as being nice to get approval. That definition of the self is fatal. What happens if for some reason, for example, illness, you do not get the opportunity to be nice to others? You will feel empty. You will feel the nothingness of fear. Being kind is an intrinsic trait not a behaviour. If you define yourself by this intrinsic trait you will never feel empty because no matter what happens it will be there in your core.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLING TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
FEAR
ANGER
JEALOUSY
SHAME
