It is important to recall that in the early stages of our lives, we learn from our parents. We are like sponges. Dr Margaret Paul explains that the feeling of shame comes from the feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are basically flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving, or not good enough. As a result of not feeling seen, loved, valued, and understood, we came to believe that we were not loved because there was something wrong with us. Lynne Namka says that shame gives us a ‘fundamental sense of inadequacy’.
We learn our feelings, our behaviours, our boundaries (physical, emotional, intellectual), how to relate, our moral foundations, coping skills, and so on. But, shamed parents cannot do these, and thus cannot model them for their children. They are unable to give their children the emotional time that is required for the child’s needs, and for the child’s emotional development. They simply don’t know how. They are too focussed and preoccupied with their own mysterious pain. The child, therefore, is abandoned, and never learns the emotional comfort, and, indeed, the right to feel happy; and, in the future, cannot pass it on to their own children. It’s so sad.
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