victims of emotional abuse are isolated and humiliated even in front of the children

Emotional abusers are expert in undermining partners in the presence of their children. The victim’s authority as a parent is eroded by belittling comments, and she may be blamed for problems with the children, including their behaviour, poor school performance, or even physical defects. In such cases, the children are also abused and shamed. Sometimes this is done in a calm way. This type of emotional abuser never raises his voice, but, with considerable relish, mimics, mocks, and derides his victim. She may feel inferior in front of her children, or she may react aggressively in which case the quiet abuser is perceived as the victim and the angry victim as the abuser.
Victims feel dehumanised and degraded as the perpetrators exploit and isolate them. They are reduced to non-entities, when their problems are dismissed, as abusers always put their own needs first. Emotional abusers are adept at instilling guilt in their victims for matters that have nothing to do with them. I have met so many victims who keep asking themselves ‘what have I done?’, when they are subject to the whims of the abusers, who work in devious ways to control. They may appear kind and caring, making the intended victims feel special, but they gradually spin a web that pulls them in and traps them.
One aspect of emotional abuse rarely mentioned is spiritual abuse. It can occur when victims are prevented from practising their faith, or it may be built into religious tenets that use intolerance and coercion. Many churches exercise control using the tenet of higher purpose; for example, in the context of serving God, they demand tithes of up to 30% of a member’s income, and others forbid members to marry outside their church. This can lead to unsuitable marriages, marital breakdown, and a sense of loss because, otherwise, the church member might have found a more compatible partner. I feel that a religiously based decision to forbid specific medical treatments is also spiritual abuse, and may result in loss of life, and all the regret that goes with it. Some churches that cling to the notion that they are the only true church may be spiritually abusive, because this belief isolates members, deprives them of external support, and, in some cases, of socialising with others. The exclusion of women from playing a full role in a church can also be seen as spiritual abuse, because it denies parity to an entire and equal gender.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEATH OF A CHILD