Initially you needed to create a safety plan to make the world a more secure place. Previously you lived in an unsafe place, and now you bring about a physical and psychological distance from the abuser, to reclaim yourself, regain your power and identity, and dispel the confusion created by years of abuse. Sometimes it can take a long time to ensure a safe world. Some of the appendices in the 2010 report by Cosc, outlining the national strategy on domestic, sexual and gender-based violence, lists many organisations where you will find appropriate support. You can get this report in your local library. This would also be relevant to the immediate period when you are planning to escape from your abusive environment. The Mid-West Region of the HSE has a very valuable information document that lists various support agencies for the region. I imagine that all the other regions have a similar resource. It is no bigger than a banking card.
A vital element of your survival plan will involve having a good therapist, GP, and family law solicitor. Such professional support will increase your sense of power, and help you deal with isolation, one of the main obstacles to survival. When you were abused, you were isolated and silenced. Now you have to undo this conditioning, and realise that not all relationships are abusive or sexual. You will free yourself from this shackle, and reach out to others. This positive coping strategy helps to reduce anxiety in the immediate term, and expel it in the long term. Re-establishing contact with friends and making new friends not only counteracts this anxiety and worry, but also adds to the safety of your new home. You may find, however, that some erstwhile friends may be uncomfortable, for various reasons, with a separated person. It can also be distressing to find that abusers may get more loyalty and sympathy from some others, because they have more contact with them. Abusers sometimes gain sympathy by portraying themselves as the innocent victims of separation, as they bluntly deny any abuse. Thus, they hope to enlist the help of others in condemning survivors and keeping them isolated. They wish to destabilise the survivors and prevent them from moving on. Linda was fortunate, however, and managed to reconnect with erstwhile friends, who rallied to her. It is clear that they liked her, and missed her when she became isolated from them through the control exercised by her abusive husband
I have made an effort to take up all my friendships, including some of the closest ones that I had with my cousins. It felt great to get back in contact with them. However, some contacts did take a lot of work, as I had hurt people with the way I just walked out of their lives. I even organised a college reunion last year, and caught up with all of my college class. It felt so good to be able to meet up with them, without being made feel guilty. They are all good friends, and I shouldn’t have been made feel guilty about talking to them, whether they were male or female. We are all in touch now via email or on the net, and it’s great. I am so delighted that I did it. My friends told me that they felt uncomfortable around Stephen. Of course they did. If I could feel the tension around him when I was out with him, they could too. At the time, I was so busy trying to calm him to make sure that he did not boil over, and hit one, that I didn’t even notice that they could see through it all.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
