The ‘Dutch Cow’ technique advocated by the psychologist Dr Ayala Pines is an unusual but effective way to challenge a jealous partner, who may be pestering you with texts. It would be especially effective if your partner has Adult Separation Anxiety. Using this technique, you call your partner very frequently and she must tell you where she is, who she is with, what she is doing. Every hour ask her all the questions she pesters you with. Eventually, and hopefully, she will experience the same sort of annoyance that you feel from being hounded, and come to some understanding of her irrationally jealous behaviour.
Similar to the idea of the Dutch Cow technique is that of role change. You take the role of the jealous partner and your partner that of the non-jealous partner. It is an interesting way of exploring jealousy, but can only take place if the jealous partner admits to jealousy and agrees to take part in the experiment. That is not likely with someone suffering from toxic jealousy, but possible with a person carrying adult separation anxiety.
As you can see, dealing with a partner carrying toxic jealousy is difficult and if, despite your best efforts, your partner ignores and continues to torment and distress you, you may as a last resort decide to leave him or her. It is a last resort, because no one wants to see a marriage or a relationship destroyed. But was there ever a real relationship? Were you really loved? Generally people who are toxically jealous are unable to love, but rather attach. This is clearer in the context of fear of abandonment. Leaving, or the threat to leave, will create a crisis and may prompt your jealous partner to seek professional help. This is very common and sometimes, but, not always, the jealous person heals and changes. Leaving a relationship where jealousy breeds violence is essential.
I have met many people in a jealous relationship who seemed determined to leave, but it never happened. It takes considerable courage to leave as you consider the occasional happiness you may experience with the jealous person. By leaving you face grieving the loss of a ‘companion’, a relationship, a marriage and so on. It also brings fear of the unknown. It is my experience that this fear is magnified, if you, too, have an element of fear of abandonment. Grieving can be severe despite the psychological battering that has been inflicted on you by your jealous partner. You will grieve the charming partner you first met and when that is done you will then see his darker side that kept you enslaved and experience relief and freedom. You have the courage to leave, because you already have shown courage in remaining in a jealous relationship for so long.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLING TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
FEAR
ANGER
JEALOUSY
SHAME
