The American psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend give a good explanation of boundaries from birth to late teens, by which time boundaries should be well established. From birth to five months, the child feels at one with the primary caretaker, although somewhere in that period it begins to sense that it is a separate entity. From five to ten months the child begins to separate, while retaining the parents as an anchor and sensing the limits being set. By three years, the child begins to understand limits, responsibilities and consequences for their behaviour. It still, however, clings to attachment with parents in its increasing independence. During the three to five year period parents have much boundary work to do, as sex-role development occurs in the child. This is where enmeshment by needy parents, such as Alex’s mother, can undermine boundary building. It vital that parents keep the boundary between child and parent clear.
The period of six to eleven prepares the child for adolescence. Children continue to learn how they are similar to, yet different from others. The self (their unique identity) is further explored and social roles developed more. Children learn the boundaries inherent in connecting with same-sex peers, and of finishing tasks through schoolwork and all that involves.
Adolescence brings with it sexual maturation, identity formation, and relationships with the opposite sex. Significant separation takes place as a preparation for adulthood. This can be sad and difficult for parents, but it is an important time in the building of boundaries, when feelings, beliefs, behaviours, and values are being mulled over by the adolescent within their boundaries. During this stage it is important for parents of continue to model and show healthy boundaries to enable the adolescent to achieve a healthy sense of self. Their role is more influencing rather than controlling. They loosen the rein to allow a healthy development of the adolescent’s boundaries. This freedom enables the adolescent to relate healthily to others.
Apart from secure attachment and modelling, parents also teach boundaries in practical ways. A few of the things they can do is to help their children identify trustworthy peers and teach them to say ‘no’ to peer pressure. They make them aware of the importance of avoiding those who might harm them in any way, and teach them to respect the physical space of others. Parents could also explain to their children that sharing private thoughts and personal information with strangers is not safe. Parents teach responsibility, set limits and teach the child (who wants instant gratification) patience.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
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