I grew up in an era when the motto that ‘children should be seen and not heard’ was frequently voiced! Parents of that era did the best they could, but, in a sense, that dictum diluted children’s boundaries, and made them vulnerable to abuse when they reached adulthood. They were in effect muzzled, silenced and shamed, and this is what happens in an abusive relationship. Therefore, it is important for parents to allow and encourage their children to express their feelings, especially anger. In my childhood, showing anger to parents was frowned on. It was seen as wrong and even sinful. Anger was one of the ‘seven deadly sins’ noted in the catechism! Encouraging them to ask questions and be inquisitive also fosters healthy boundary development.
We have already seen the psychological consequences of the enmeshment and codependency that stem from poor boundary development. However, we also now know that separation difficulties can result in permanent changes in brain chemistry. Shame, rage, and dysfunctional feelings are physically embossed or burnt into the brain, and, as will be shown, it can take a long time to erase that neural wound.
Children of dysfunctional families are unlikely to have proper boundaries, and when they grow to adulthood, they will find it very difficult to help their own children build good boundaries. Therefore, inability to build proper boundaries stretches across generations, and may be related to abuse, which may also be trans-generational. Parents who have been toxically shamed are unable to teach their children boundaries. They do the opposite. The pain and needs of dysfunctional parents are so great that the needs of the children for safety, security, respect and comfort are relegated, and as they grow up, they are unable to form a healthy sense of their own identities, and hence do not understand what boundaries are. It is likely that their boundaries will be unstable and cause them to swing between engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other, leading to dysfunctional relationships as adults.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
