In the safe setting of counselling, you should be able to safely deal with the emotional impact of the abuse, and with thinking distortions, behavioural patterns, the spiritual losses, and loss in general. Feelings of shame, worthlessness, powerlessness, confusion, fear, and so on must be explored. The confusion that abuse engenders must be teased out and disentangled, and the possible existence of a co-dependent personality. The counsellor will check if survivors are using negative coping mechanisms which work in the short term, but in the long term are harmful and prevent healing. Such negative activities include smoking, taking drugs, cutting themselves off from other people, workaholism, violent behaviour, unhealthy eating, and self-destructive behaviour, such as self-harming or suicide attempts.
For a time, Linda struggled on without counselling, but she needed help in exploring her pain and confusion, and found the experience to be
“One of the best decisions for me and really brought me along the road of recovery. I have peace in my mind now, and can go to bed in peace and sleep without horrible dreams, a thing I often wondered if I ever would have again.”
She reveals how counselling helped her, and hopefully will help you, as you set about rebuilding your new life
“Counselling has helped me enormously. It has helped me understand. It has also helped me to accept things as they are, and to accept my feelings as they come to me. I always tried to fight any feelings of sadness toward my ex husband. When I cried, I used to say to myself “don’t be so stupid – why are you crying over someone that had done all this to you and doesn’t care one bit – you are so stupid and pathetic”. And so I would hold back my tears. Now I have learned that it’s ok to cry over him. It’s a feeling, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have learned to accept all my feelings as they come to me, whether it is anger, hate, longing for our past life, love, sadness or whatever feeling comes along.
I’ve also learned to understand how abusers work. Stephen used always turn things back on me for things he would do, and he was so cunning he would have me questioning myself, saying, “am I the one with the problem? Have I issues? Am I not well like he says”. Now I have learned that I am not the abuser here. I am the survivor. I did not cause him to be abusive. He chose those actions. He chose his behaviour, not me. I am not responsible for his behaviour or happiness. He is.
I’ve learned that it is up to individuals themselves to be happy. No one else can make them happy. I also learned more about boundaries, something that I didn’t have within my marriage. I had no boundaries. When I first attended counselling, there was so much going on in my mind, and I was so confused. My emotions were all over the place, and I was trying to fight them. My thoughts were everywhere. I was so confused. By going to counselling, I let all the hurt and pain come out, as I went back in my mind to everything that happened. Yes, it was so painful, and I grieved, and I am still grieving over the loss. But I have more of an understanding and acceptance of things now.
I have talked through all my thoughts and worries. And it is such a release to get them all out in the open to a non-judgemental person. I needed to get all it all out. It was all stored in my head and was going around and around and getting nowhere. It was like a big whirlwind of thoughts and worries that were not being solved, and were going nowhere.”
I have mentioned in the previous chapter that people have remained in abusive relationships because they have failed to grieve their losses. This grieving process will now be part of your survival/recovery plan, and the help of a counsellor is advisable in this. Remember, that while Linda understands the dynamic of abuse, she still has to deal with her feelings. Understanding is only part of grieving. Firstly, you mourn the loss of the nice Jekyll and all his admirable qualities. You grieve the loss of this charming companion and the warmth and love he initially brought to the relationship. When Linda first came to me, she could not understand why she still had feelings for her abusive husband. Her friends frequently challenged her about having loving feelings for this abuser. But, the following extract from her story about the early days of her marriage shows why these feelings persisted
“I lived my life with Stephen happily. He was so caring toward me. Even if I had a slight pain in my stomach, he would be so attentive to me and would say things like “I hate seeing you like this.” I only had a sore stomach, but I found him so caring and used to think how nice this was to have such a sensitive man, a man that cared and loved me so much. I used always see a bright future for us. I knew I wanted him in my life and that we could have a happy life together. A life full of love and passion, just as it was all the time with us. He used to tell me all the time that he loved me, and that I was everything to him, and how happy he was that I was in his life, and that he had met me. He used to say things like “look at how much we accomplish together” i.e. buying the house and starting a new exciting life in Galway.”
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD