As a victim, you may harbour a whole range of fears based on your situation. You possibly fear the legal road you may have to take to disentangle the strands of your marriage. The system is adversarial and centred around the legal profession itself, rather than the clients. I have seen wealthy clients who paid enormous sums to lawyers, who are reluctant to advise them on other approaches, such as collaborative family law. This latter process provides a couple with the opportunity to resolve their separation issues without the threat of going to court. Lawyers and their clients meet on a number of occasions and work out a settlement that meets, as far as possible, their priorities, goals, needs and interests. It is less expensive than using the court. You might also consider mediation, which is free. Details of how this works are on the internet. however, since it involves parity and equality in coming to an agreement, I would be surprised if your abusive partner went with this option.
I have no doubt that you clearly understand the damage an abusive environment does to your children, but you may remain because you worry that the emotional damage to them may be greater if you separate. You may also be fearful of losing custody. You may be aware of survivors who went through the courts, and who were not in any way emotionally supported.
Apart from dreading the legal process, you may also fear the unknown, such as constructing a new life, and making formidable life changes. Linda briefly outlines her fears
So yes, I would say to anyone it is the hardest thing to do – because you still love the man you leave! You are so afraid of the unknown. You don’t know how you will manage financially; don’t know where you will live. Everything is unknown. But, it had to be done, and I am glad God gave me the courage and guidance to do it, or I’d still be stuck in the rut of a loveless home and marriage!
Perhaps you also fear the physical danger to yourself or your children if you try to leave. You may feel like prey, and are terrified of being hunted down, or of the abuser calling to your workplace. This apprehension is well justified. Frequently, when an abuser learns of the victims’ decision to leave his fury erupts, and there are cases when the threat to their lives is so great that they have to flee, and leave their children behind. Research shows that a battered woman is at a 75% greater risk of being murdered after leaving the relationship than those who stay. The reason for this is not about the anger aroused in the abuser, but in his loss of control and power over the survivor. It is almost like a drug addict being deprived of his ‘fix’.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
COUNSELLORS IN TIPPERARY
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD
