Loving ourselves, of course, means having the inestimable gift of good self-esteem (esteem for the self), which is our best defence against abuse. This strong sense of self-worth and self-value must lie within ourselves. Outside factors such as work or achievements is not a foundation for true self-esteem. Clearly if our boundaries are imperfect, we do not have much self-esteem because the self is lost or hidden. Building self-esteem normally comes from our parents giving us as much unconditional love as possible. If this does not happen, we must find someone to help us explore our lives, and in a mysterious way arrive at self-esteem. This is what happens in the safety of a counselling room where we retrace our life journey with a non-judgemental stranger, who helps us to emotionally re-experience the negative experiences of the past, and especially of childhood. The important thing here is that we are taking control; we make the decision to go to a counsellor, a self-help group or any safe supportive person.
In my own counselling practice, I have seen people with damaged self-esteem become confident assertive individuals as they again felt past pain and confronted the negative thoughts that they had imbibed as children. As counselling progressed, they automatically became enabled to set clear boundaries. That is real happiness, and it is well earned. People who have been shamed are likely to be addicted, perhaps to alcohol, work, sex, or whatever. It may take years to work through the addiction and to recover. Then the time comes to handle the inner core of toxic shame, fear, and anger, so that eventually self-love comes.
As self-esteem grows and we clarify our boundaries, we will be in a position to defend them in a healthy way. And what do we do when there is an emotional, sexual or physical attack made on them? We move away, we express our displeasure; we let it be known that this is our space. It is about being aware of how we feel. It is acknowledging our feelings to ourselves and letting others know, too. It is always good to begin our sentence with the words ‘I feel’. It is about communication, the basis of a healthy relationship. Without it, there is always the danger of abuse. Silence is one of the principal ways of allowing the poisonous weed of abuse to flourish.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DEATH OF A CHILD