Communication means speaking in a non-judgemental way, specifically naming the behaviour that causes us displeasure, saying ‘I feel angry/fearful when you shout at me’, ‘I don’t like it when you touch me like that’, and so on. Communication is also about making the consequences clear, if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable way. It involves making choices about staying in an abusive environment or leaving, because even if we have good boundaries they can be breached by violence, whether we like it or not. A sense of love of self, good self-esteem and boundaries make it easier to make the often difficult decision to leave the person we love. Our boundaries empower us; enable us to make and to own our decisions, and stops us being victims.
We need others to sow this self-esteem, and we need others to help us build our boundaries. I do not believe that we can do it on our own. These others must be safe, skilled, caring people, who are not trying to fix us, but support us in acting responsibly. Being safe means that they listen and hear us, accept us, support us, do not judge us, that they are clear and direct, have clear boundaries and are real in how they relate to us. Of course, it takes humility for us to expose ourselves to another, but humility is part of healthy boundaries, it allows us to experience emotional nourishment from others.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEATH OF A CHILD