Irrespective of gender, there is a whole amalgam of other feelings and sensations that accompany toxic jealousy. These include fear, loneliness, bitterness, anger, terror, feeling lost, stomach churning and despair. Many of the symptoms surrounding jealousy are similar to post-traumatic stress – sleeplessness, hypervigilance, irritability and suicidal thinking. It is so irrational and the loneliness so core, that people with core jealousy will remain with their partners, even if they do not love them; anything but seeing them in the arms of another! I remember as a teenager being in love with a beautiful girl. At that time I had decided that I would enter the priesthood, but my fear of abandonment and my jealousy were so great that I clung to her until the last moment, when she broke off our relationship. Seeing this young girl in the arms of another teenager was heart-breaking at the time. I still remember the awful turning in my stomach when I first saw them together. That was over fifty years ago and in subsequent years I discovered how difficult it is to break the stranglehold of jealousy, one of the most painful offspring of an insecure attachment.
From Friday’s book you can see that jealousy is part of control. Normal jealousy makes for vigilance from the evolutionary point of view, but toxic jealousy sets up a system of surveillance to keep constant watch on a partner. In that sense it is a specific and powerful control mechanism and possibly the primary control mechanism in a relationship. It stems from a feeling of inferiority and still-born self-esteem, which Dr Paul Hauck call ‘an inferiority complex of mammoth proportions.’ When both partners suffer from jealousy they use their knowledge as a way of mutual control and they live in a co-dependent state, feeding off each other’s jealousy. Ironically, while jealous people put on a show of strength as part of their invented self, it is easy to control them because of their internal distress.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE