Jason was mistaken if he thought that his fear would depart when he began working. It intensified and destroyed any attempt at happiness.
“I would do my work to a high standard but I would lunch by myself, in a place away from work where my colleagues wouldn’t see me. I was on a very busy team so people didn’t go to lunch together. I asked one of the lads one day to go to lunch, but he told me he didn’t have time. Instead of taking this as the truth, I thought it was my fault and he just didn’t want to have lunch with me. I questioned myself and the rejection made me put up my guard. I wouldn’t be asking again. There was another group of lads on another work team. They were friendly and sporty and liked the banter. This is the kind of group I would have got on well with. But I wasn’t brave enough to ask if I could join them. The fear of being judged, ‘the look at this loner’ thoughts that was going round in my head, meant I never made the effort with them. College was happening all over again. I’d have a few scenarios were I’d have a laugh with them, but I wouldn’t be able join them the next day for lunch or stop for a chat. If circumstances had been different I could have been on this team. They would have invited the newbie to lunch and I could have made some really good friends. Instead, I was left to go to lunch on my own in a restaurant up the road that I was familiar with from my college days. I was nearly 2 years working in the office before I could venture into the canteen. I had the feeling that all eyes from the office would be on me as I queued for my food. The thoughts of being in a queue having to make conversation with one of my work colleagues, especially those in higher positions, made me blush and sweat. This irrational fear meant I never went to the canteen. Work was really intense and some days I didn’t have time to go to the restaurant across the way, so instead of grabbing something quick in the canteen, I would eat nothing. On bad days, I could arrive home from work around 8 in the evening and not have eaten since 7 that morning. At the time I didn’t notice anything crazy about my behaviour. As I write this, I can’t really believe how irrational my fears had made me. I thought this was all to do with college and I couldn’t see the signs that my fears had taken me over.”
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I am the author of six books
When a Child Dies. Footsteps of a Grieving Family
Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying
Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
I’ll Meet You at the Roundy O
Priest, Politics and Society in Post Famine Ireland 1850-1891
Prince of Swindlers. John Sadleir MP 1813-1856
I am currently writing a major work on DID (Multiple Personality Disorder)