Moving to live in a more isolated place is only one stratagem in abusers’ plans. Their jealousy and urge to control is so great that they also seek to isolate their partners from friends and family. Some victims, such as Linda, succumb to this devastating abuse for peace sake –
“I lost contact with so many friends, through our relationship. The only person I kept in contact with was my best friend, Siobhán. And even at that, I was able to sustain that relationship only because she lived down the road from us and he would nearly always be part of any activities we carried out. Also, she got on with him. All my other friends I lost completely. If he didn’t like me around them he would come up with suggestions that they are different to us, or he would belittle a friend’s partner. It became easier just to go along with keeping our relationship happy and peaceful, and I left so many friendships behind.”
Abusers also try to isolate you psychologically from your family. Stephen made an unsuccessful effort to do this, because Linda is close to her parents, and has a good sense of self-worth, which allowed her to fight to save her marriage, and eventually to leave –
“Stephen’s disrespect got worse. He began to talk down about my family. We are a close family and I would always talk to my parents about different things in my life that we were doing, and ask their advice. Stephen hated this; he used always say that they are sticking their noses in. He used to slag off my mother in bad ways also. And sometimes he would say to me “you are just like your mother”.”
If you succumb to the blandishments of the charmer, this control will extend very quickly to every aspect of your life, from the clothes you wear to how much you spend. Frequently, abusers try to make up for their behaviour through sex, another warning sign that is easily missed.
You may feel that you can change the other person and make them into the type of person that you wish them to be. This is a mistaken view, and, as will be seen, even in therapy it is difficult for the abuser to change. You may view the person you love through rose tinted spectacles, and even ignore the stark warning signpost that your new partner may have been violent in a previous relationship. If it suits, you can even make excuses for a violent temper. This temper may be evident in how they show road rage on a frequent basis, on how they show disrespect and dislike for authority figures. They have an unhealthy competitive nature, and may show spite and criticism of others. The abuser will ridicule, criticise, belittle and judge the opinions of others. He may be kind to you, but show no consideration for the feelings of others. His abusive comments about others may even seem jocose. You will notice that he refuses to listen to others, and behaves like a know-all. Watch for threatening behaviour to others. Pay attention to how he labels them. Above all, watch for the seething anger that that arouses fear in those near the hidden volcano.
Adapted from Jim O’Shea’s book Abuse. Domestic Violence, Workplace and School Bullying published by Cork University Press
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
ABUSE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEATH OF A CHILD