If you want to deal with core jealousy you must examine the false self. Put it under the spotlight. It is in that false self, which grew from an insecure attachment, that jealousy lurks. Jealousy is the core of that self, which was created from emotional neglect. This feeling of being deficient is a most depressing one, giving you a negative outlook on life as well as on yourself. Remember, however, that while you do not have a choice in how you feel, you have one in how you behave. So, if you are unfortunate enough to be afflicted by core jealousy that is not your fault, and you must accept that you are this way right now. Acceptance is an insight and is the key to healing. If, however, you choose to limit the freedom of another person, you must accept responsibility for such behaviour, and realise that this is inexcusable.
You do not have the right to limit the legitimate freedom of others, so it is vital to look at your behaviour. Are you frequently trying to make partners jealous by flirting or passing complimentary comments about others to generate jealousy? Are you playing games with them? Are you shackling them in a suffocating relationship? There is a practice called the SOS technique that is ideally suited to help you control your jealousy as well as make you aware of how you are killing your relationship. SOS is an acronym for Stop, Observe and Shift. It is immediate and powerful and is one of the best techniques to combat negative thinking, one of the drivers of toxic jealousy.
The SOS technique is very easy to use. When the irrational jealous thought arises, say the word stop (in your mind) as emphatically as possible. Then ‘observe’ what is happening to you, how the jealous thoughts are unhinging you, making you unhappy, depriving you of sleep, and so on. Then shift to something positive. It does not really matter what that is, so long as it is positive. You could also change your thinking in a positive direction, for example, realising that your thoughts are irrational, that your partner is faithful and has always been faithful, that you have nothing to worry about, and that your past jealous outbursts have been unjustified. You may have to use this many times during the day.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE