Toxic jealousy is hard to heal. It is a childhood wound. But, there are helpful techniques to deal with it.

We can tell a lot from symbols. There is a technique used by couple counsellors using three circles, which you could use to show the dynamic of your relationship from the jealousy perspective. It is very simple to do and contains clear messages. Draw one circle and fill it with your pastimes and activities, draw another for your partner, and in the third circle put in your mutual activities. If you examine these and find that you generally do a lot together, that your circle is full and your partner’s is sparse then you are most likely jealous and controlling. You can use this technique to initiate a discussion that will ultimately ensure that all three spaces are functioning. Try to understand that unless all three spaces are functioning well, the relationship is unhealthy, and unhealthy relationships wither and eventually die.
Finally, you might be interested in some of the techniques suggested by Dr Helen Ford for dealing with toxic jealousy (which she sees as a consequence of frustrated love). Her technique is to write a list of the support, love, appreciation, encouragement, praise, affection, etc. which you see others getting and which you would like for yourself. You can add to these and write a short note on each so that you have a specific understanding of them as they would apply to you. Then spend a few minutes meditating on each of them and imagine having them. Look back through your life and see if you ever had any of them, and how that made you feel. If you have never experienced any of them, then begin the process of self-nurturing and self-empathy and open up to receiving nurturing from another person.
The processes explained above will help heal your toxic jealousy. They may seem easy, but because of the traits of the pathologically jealous person they are difficult. They demand a way of being that is alien to you and they demand a degree of tenacity, knowledge and insight that demands much effort. But, what is the alternative? As already stated, jealousy does not abate with age, but rather increases, and if you choose to suffocate and torment, your toxic jealousy is also a hell that you will have to endure for your entire life. Is that what you want?
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.

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