Communication is the key to a good relationship and couple counselling can help to resolve that issue, although, unfortunately, it will not work if one of the partners is controlling. That is my experience, and I have never seen an exception to it. Individual counselling is essential to ensure that the jealousy is permanently eradicated. As I have mentioned this is a very difficult task, and Nancy Friday shows her many failures to find healing, even with effective therapists. I have a feeling that EMDR therapy may be the best way to heal. Therapy should be supplemented by finding the humility to turn to your partner. I have seen people tormented by core jealousy relieve their torment and jealous impulse, when they begin to talk to their partners about their fears. This is particularly effective if the partners are trustworthy and reliable, so it is important to be aware of potential support from them. There is no point in turning to an equally jealous partner, who will only exploit and control you further. If your partner is supportive you have to give them time to become accustomed to dealing with a ‘new’ you. Turning to a reliable partner will give you a sense of control, because toxic jealousy can make you feel out of control. What is the alternative but to continue to live a life of anger, misery and jealousy, putting the relationship under increasing strain?
As you strive to understand the roots of jealousy, and the importance of good communication with your partner it would be useful to realise that jealousy can be seen as a love addiction, which explains why it is so difficult to eradicate. But, as in any addiction, it is important to recognise and admit that you have a jealous personality, that it has nothing to do with your partner unless he also has toxic jealousy. This admission will be difficult for you because of the nature of jealousy as a control mechanism. Yet, it will also be a relief and the beginning of your rehabilitation, and will help you to take back some the power that the jealousy has taken from you.
Extract from my recent book – Understanding and Healing the Hurts of Childhood.
THERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
PSYCHOTHERAPISTS IN TIPPERARY
DEATH OF A CHILD
ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE